So I Married An Evil King?
by Zel and Galaxy Girl
Summary: Big Brother is over, but Ganondorf and Impa's story is just beginning! Follow everyone's favorite mismatched couple through their wedding day, to the births of their children, and a few... weird events. Rated PG-13 for brief child birth later, and strange
1. Prologue: The Best Of Times, The Worst O...

So I Married An Evil King?  
A Ganondorf/Impa Shippy Story!  
By Galaxy Girl and Sailor Zel  
  
Hiyo, it's me, Galaxy Girl. Zel and I are going to alternate chapters on this one, so I'll write this part, Zel will write the next, and so on.   
  
Authors Note: The events in this story will make more sense if you've read Big Brother Darunia, by me.   
  
  
  
Prologue: The Best Of Times, The Worst Of Times  
  
It was a sunny day in Gerudo (or Groovy, depending on who you asked) Valley. But then again, when WASN'T it a sunny day?  
Ganondorf Dragmire, the King of Thieves (or the King of Hippies, depending on who you asked) stood at the school bus stop just in front of Gerudo/Groovy Fortress with his wife, Impa Zappa Dragmire, the Queen of Thieves (or hippies, depending on who you asked).   
It really was a long story on how this former Evil King met and married this Sage of Shadow, devoted to peace and good. If you really want to know, why don't you ask them?  
  
Next to them stood their children, 5 year old twins Moon Unit Alpha and Superfly. Superfly was wearing a black backpack filled up with school supplies and carrying a lunchbox. Moon Unit carried a purple backpack and lunchbox.  
"Mommy, I don't wanna go to school!" Moon Unit whined, tugging on her mother's leg.  
"You have to go, Moon Unit. How will you ever learn to spell and read and write if you don't?" Impa told her.  
"And how to cast curses!" her husband added.   
Impa elbowed him in the ribs.   
"Sorry Dear..."   
  
Half a mile away, the big yellow school bus was struggling through the deep sand. The driver, a Goron known as Ed, was punching the gas pedal.   
"I told you we should have put the bus stop out on the field," another Goron who served as bus aide said smugly.   
"Aw, SHADDUP!" Bus Driver Ed snapped.   
"Hey Mista..." a small Hylian kid said.   
"Shut up Kid, I'm drivin'!" Bus Driver Ed said.   
"Hey Mista, how're you gonna get over the bridge?"  
"What bridge?"  
SNAP!  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
Ganondorf checked his watch nervously. "Hey, that bus is late! It should have been here five seconds ago!"   
Impa sighed. "Ganny-Poo, I don't want to send the kids off on their own!"   
Ganondorf patted her hand. "Oh sweetie, we have to! After all, where are they gonna learn to read and write and spell?"  
"I'LL TEACH THEM!" Impa screamed.  
Superfly whispered into his sister's ear. "Uh oh... Mommy's having another nervous breakdown!"  
Two Gerudo/Groovy guards ran up to their king. "Ganondorf, the school bus just flew over the cliff into a raging river of DEATH!"  
"AGAIN?" he said in dismay. "Wow... first the milk truck, then the mail truck, then that shipment of crazy ducks..."  
  
"OWWWW! DR. NABOORU, THERE'S A DUCK IN YOUR OFFICE AND IT JUST TORE OFF PART OF MY SCALP!"  
"Get the fire hose!"   
  
Ganondorf snapped his fingers, and the school bus full of screaming children appeared right in front of them.  
Bus Driver Ed went on screaming, then noticed that he wasn't dead. "Oh, thank you again, Mr. Dragmire!"  
Ganondorf shrugged. "No problem."  
The bus doors slid open, and Impa gave her children great big hugs. "I love you guys! Now, have fun at school!"  
"OK Mommy," said Moon Unit.   
"Yes Mother," said Superfly.   
The kids stepped up onto the steps, and Impa added, "Don't eat any paste!"  
"Yes mother," the twins chimed.  
"And don't be mean to other kids!"  
"Yes mother."  
"And don't drink any raw sewage!"   
"Yes mother..."  
"And don't draw on any walls!"  
"Yes mother,"  
"And don't eat any soap!"  
"Yes mom."  
"And don't steal anything!"  
"Yes mom,"  
"And don't talk to ANY Gorons, Zoras, or Hylians you don't know!"  
"Yes mom."  
"And..."  
Ganondorf stopped her. "Um, darling, I think the kids can handle themselves."   
"Oh, right. BYE KIDS! MOMMY LOVES YOU!"   
She gave Superfly a kiss on the cheek, and he hopped into the bus. Then the doors closed, and Impa stepped back.   
"GOODBYE MY DARLINGS!" she cried. Then she burst into tears.   
"What's wrong, honey?" asked Ganondorf.  
"Our little babies are all grown up!"  
"Actually sweetie, they're only 5..."   
  
Moon Unit and Superfly walked back on the bus aisle. There were kids of all races and sizes, girls and boys. They found an empty seat, and Moon Unit slipped over next to the window. Superfly took a seat next to her, and a Zora kid leaned over form behind them.   
"Hey, your skin is green!" the Zora laughed.  
"Hey, your skin is blue!" Superfly laughed back.   
"Hey, do you need your mommy to give you a kiss before you go to school?" the kid asked.  
"Shut up! I love my Mommy!" Superfly snapped.  
"Superfly, hush! He's awful big!"Moon Unit hissed.  
"I bet my dad could beat up your dad," the Zora said.   
"I don't think so," Superfly retorted.  
"Yeah, my dad could take your dad any day!" the Zora kid teased.   
Just before the bus drove away, the Zora caught a glimpse in the window next to him. Ganondorf stood there, glaring at him with evil eyes.   
"AAAAAAAGGGH!"   
The Zora kid slid back into his chair, and Superfly winked at his dad.   
  
Impa watched the bus drive away, and Ganondorf put his arm around her shoulder.   
"Come on sweetie, The Price Is Right is on!" he said.   
They climbed the steps to their spacious home carved out in the fortress stone, and as they crossed the doorway, Ganondorf smacked his head into the doorframe.  
"D'OH! I always forget about that!"   
Impa dragged herself inside and flopped down on the couch.   
"What's wrong, sweetheart?" Ganondorf asked.   
"Ganny... I miss the kids!"   
"They've only been gone five minutes, sweetie. You got a while to go."   
She burst out crying. "I MISS MY KIDS! I WANT TO WAIT ON THEM AND GIVE THEM STUFF ANF CLEAN UP AFTER THEM!"   
"They have to go to school, sweetie."  
"Stupid school system! I never went to school, and I turned out fine!" she snapped.   
"... You were home schooled?"   
"No. I taught myself," she said. "Didn't you?"  
"... NO! I went to school!"  
"I've never seen your high school diploma!"  
He sighed and kicked at the floor. "Well... I never... really..."  
"Ganondorf, you DIDN'T!"   
"I was in high school, I just failed too many classes to graduate!" he said. "Really. I went... Or... I was dropped off... but..."  
"You dropped out of high school!? GANON! How are we going to bring up the kids properly if their father never even graduated from high school?"  
He scowled. "I was the only guy in my class... You'd of thought I would have stayed a while. HORMONES AHOY!"   
She threw a pillow at him. "But I still miss the kids!"   
He sighed and sat on the couch. "Hey look, your favorite show is on, Impy-Wuvvy!"   
"I don't feel like watching the Golden Girls, sweetie..."  
Impa stood up and decided to take a walk through the house. "If I can't talk to the kids, I'll pick up after them!"  
"You do that," Ganondorf said. "That always makes you happy!"   
Impa raced through the hall, picking up toys and books and dirty underwear.   
"Ganondorf, I told you I put two laundry bins in the bathroom, one for clothes and one for poo-poo undies, OK?"  
"OK dear... but I told you not to bring that up anymore!"   
  
Half an hour later, Impa had picked up the whole house, and the Golden Girls was just ending. "I MISS THE KIDS!" she wailed.   
Ganondorf shrugged. "I don't know! It's only 11:30. They get out of school at 2:00... you have three hours to go!"   
Impa sighed. "AAAAW, I MISS THE KIDS!"  
She stumbled by the mantle, when she saw something that caught her eye. A picture in a frame.   
"Ganondorf, where did this picture come from?"   
"What is it?"  
"It's our wedding!" she cooed. "Look, there's my dad strangling your Uncle Bob!"  
He chuckled.   
"Do you remember our wedding, Ganny-Poo?" she said, sitting next to him on the couch.   
"How could I forget? Being knocked unconscious... by a stick... and a candy groom's head... and a camera... and a Bible... Yeah, good times... good times..."  
"It was so beautiful!" Impa sighed.   
"I know, and so were you!"   
"AWWWW!"   
Impa held the picture so Ganondorf could see it.   
"Yeah," Ganondorf said. "I remember it like it was yesterday..."  
  
(flashback music)  
  
DOOODLYDOOP! DOODLYDOOP! DOODLYDOOP! DOODLYDOOP! DOODLYDOOP!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
  



	2. The Perfect Wedding or was it?

So I married an Evil King?  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
By Galaxy Girl and Sailor Zel  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Sailor Zel: Hey peeps! As you know GG and me are co-writing a fic! This is my part anyway I hope you enjoy it!  
  
( ) – parentheses means someone is thinking  
  
Disclaimer: Wonderful people own Zelda, we're not some of them. (Dang.)  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Temple of Time  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Tia: Jeez Morpha! Watch where you swing that thing!  
  
Tia dodged before the hovering camera knocked her out of the air.  
  
Morpha: Sorry, crap! I can't get this lens cap off!  
  
Tia: Morpha, you don't have any arms to pull it off with  
  
Morpha: Oh yeah…  
  
~ Outside the Temple of Time  
  
(Link is sitting outside on a fold-up chair, handing out programs.)  
  
Link: Man, I deserve a better job! I was the guy's archenemy for crying out loud!  
  
Then Cerena and the Skullkid, Dokoru, walked up the stairs.  
  
Dokoru: Ha-ha! Link gets to work the doors! Teeheehee!  
  
Link: Shut-up and take the program!  
  
Dokoru grabbed the program and followed Cerena into the temple, only to run back out five seconds later.  
  
Dokoru: Oh yeah, I forgot! I'm in the wedding and you're not! Teeheehee!  
  
Dokoru then rushed back into the church.  
  
Link: One of these days, I'm gonna kill that imp. Or at least seriously hurt him.  
  
~~~ Inside the Temple  
  
Nurse Kate: Don't worry, Mr. Dragmire, Rauru will behave himself and if not. Er…um… Stan and Bill can take care of it.  
  
The two men, Stan and Bill, stood behind Nurse Kate armed with tranquilizer guns and nightsticks.  
  
Stan: Never underestimate the actions of the insane.  
  
Bill: We learned that lesson the hard way…remember?  
  
Stan: Yup, patient number 60499, Windmill guy, Deranged.  
  
Bill: That name, that name chills the bones of the sane.  
  
Stan: Don't worry little bro; remember the Windmill Guy is locked away in the nuthouse with all the green ketchup he can eat.  
  
Bill: But the memories! The memories! They still frighten me!  
  
Stan patted his younger brother on the back, in hopes of comforting him. Suddenly Nurse Kate appeared, rolling Rauru along in his wheelchair. The old man sat quietly in his chair, sucking on a grape lollypop. Gannondorf glanced at the Sage of Light, then continued pacing.  
  
Rauru: AWWW! How cute! Somebody's got the wedding day jitters!  
  
Gannondorf: Rauru! Shut-up!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~ Temple Basement  
  
Zelda: Impa! Ruto! Nabooru! Malon! Saria! The guests are almost here! The wedding march is about to start!  
  
Nabooru: Zelda! Cool it! First of all, the wedding doesn't start until 11, and it's 10 o'clock. And finally, you're making a bigger fuss about this wedding than Impa is! And it's not even your wedding!  
  
Zelda: I'm sorry! But! But! I don't like this! Impa's my nanny! She isn't supposed to love anyone but me!  
  
Malon: That's just too selfish and childish to comment on.  
  
Saria: So true.  
  
Both Malon and Saria turned back and faced the mirror.  
  
Ruto: Ah! This makes me so happy!  
  
Zelda: What! What is it about this depressing occasion that has you all happy!   
  
Ruto: Tonight at the reception! Impa will throw the bouquet!  
  
Malon: And?  
  
Ruto: I'm gonna catch it! And that'll mean I'm getting married next!  
  
Nabooru: Yeah, but how do you know you're gonna marry Link? For all you know, you could be marrying the next idiot to jump off the Ikana Canyon Bluffs!  
  
Ruto: DREAM-KILLER!  
  
Saria: ok…  
  
Impa: Good morning!   
  
Saria: Morning, are ya nervous, Impa?  
  
Impa: Nope! Not a bit! I'm marrying the love of my life! Why should I be nervous!  
  
Zelda: Goddesses! It's almost 11 o'clock! I wonder if the assassins are in position-  
  
Malon: Assassins?  
  
Zelda gasped and shoved a bag of gold rupees into Malon's hand.  
  
Zelda: You didn't hear anything!  
  
Malon shrugged and walked into the other room. Zelda breathed a sigh of relief; her plot was safe or so she thought.  
  
Malon: IMPA! ZELDA'S TRYING TO KILL YOUR FUTURE HUBBY!  
  
Impa: ZELDA!  
  
A few minutes later, several armed Hylian soldiers were escorting the assassins off the premises.  
  
~ Back upstairs  
  
The Happy Mask Man cracked his knuckles and reached into his pocket. He pulled out a giant pipe organ; he stumbled slightly beneath its weight before dropping it on the ground. After the pipe organ, he pulled out a bench, a Big Book of Musical Stuff by Some Dude, and then he set up then sheet music and lay his fingers on the ivory keys.  
  
: The Simpsons Theme plays:  
  
Gannondorf: That's not a wedding march!  
Darunia: Oh! I love the Simpsons! (Starts humming the theme song)  
  
Happy Mask Man: Whoops…sorry! The music's upside down! (Flips it right side up) There we go  
  
: Wedding March plays:  
  
Tia: Morpha, is the camera ready?  
  
Morpha: Yup! Ready and rolling!  
  
Tia: Good, cause here comes the bride!  
  
Morpha moved the camera over to the door.  
  
Morpha: Um? Is that similey face supposed to be in the center of the picture?  
  
Tia: Huh? Oh my Goddesses!  
  
Tia pressed a few buttons and the horrible similey covering the entire picture vanished.  
  
Tia: Whew.  
  
Morpha: Tia, you can turn "The Wedding of Gannondorf Dragmire and Impa Zappa on May 24, 200l" off now.  
  
Tia: I can't!   
  
Morpha: (looking through the camera manual) Ok, press the blue button.  
  
Tia: Which blue button?  
  
Morpha: What do ya mean "which blue button"?  
  
Tia: Well, there are a couple of them!  
  
Morpha: Uh…the one to your left!  
  
Tia pressed the button and the tripod legs shot out of the hovering camera, knocking three unlucky guests out cold.  
  
Morpha: Ok, wrong blue button. Try the other one.  
  
Tia pressed the second blue button and the camera floated down to ground. Once it landed, life sprang into its metal joints of its tripod legs and it began to dance and sing all the greatest Beatles hits. Tia and Morpha backed away.  
  
Tia: What kind of camera did you buy?  
  
Morpha: I thought they were joking when the box said, "beware, some cameras do contain artificial intelligence and dance mechanisms".  
  
Tia: Oy…  
  
Morpha: Oh lookie here! It was the yellow button.  
  
Tia floated down and pressed the yellow button; causing the camera to resume floating, stop dancing, and remove that no-good sign that had started the whole thing!  
  
Rauru: AWWW! Looks like someone has no idea what they're doing!  
  
Tia and Morpha: Shut up Rauru!  
  
Morpha faced the camera to the doors as they opened. Saria entered first, being the flower girl, tossing little white flowers as she walked. (A guest is hit in the eye)  
  
Random Guest: AHHHH! MY EYE! (Runs out of the church) I NEED MEDICAL AID!  
  
Saria: Oops…(shrugs and keeps walking)  
  
Dokoru, the Skullkid, came next, dressed in a tux, with the precious rings hidden away in his pocket. Malon, Ruto, and Nabooru were next, led by the maid of honor, Zelda (Minna-chan! Look! She's sweating! A lot!) And finally Impa, dressed in traditional bridal gown, being given away by her father, Bob. Morpha and Tia and the dancing camera followed Impa up the aisle.   
  
: Clunk! :  
  
Random Guest: Ouch!  
  
Morpha & Tia: Sorry!  
  
(The camera is shaken up momentarily.)  
  
The bride finally reaches the alter and the march stops. (Luckily, by now Tia has corrected the camera problems.)  
  
Rauru: * Ahem * Hello and good morning Hyrule! How's everybody feeling?  
  
Audience: Just peachy…  
Link: Peachy, indeed.  
  
Rauru: Now, we're all gathered here in this musty, old temple to witness the two most unlikely people in the entire Zelda games, except for maybe the Goron Elder and Anju but that's another story, tie the knot! Now on with the wedding! (Flips through a bible with the Triforce symbol on the cover) Hmmm, that's not too important, can skip that, do I really need to say that? Why no! Ok, Ahem, do you, Gannondorf Dragmire, take this woman, Impa Zappa, to be your lawfully or is that awfully? I like awfully! Awfully wedded wife? To have and to hold, in sickness and in healthness, richness or poorness, whether she be obese or anorectic, young or old, beautiful as the day or as ugly as…insert something very, very unpleasant to look upon here, a bad cook or a good cook, drinks out of the carton or uses your toothbrush without permission or…  
  
Nurse Kate: Ahem!  
  
Rauru: Shhh! Um, oh crap! Lost my place! Oh here it is! Ahem, whether she hogs the covers or likes the watch the Nightly Business Report, till Death do you part?  
  
Gannondorf: I do.  
  
Rauru: Cool. And do you, Impa Zappa, take this man, Gannondorf Dragmire, to be your awfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, in sickness and in healthness, richness or poorness, filthiness or neatness, King of Evil or King of Hippies, human or a goat/pig/dinosaur thingy, tolerable or down right annoying, stinky or sweet-smelling, whether he likes to watch Third Rock from the Sun or Friends, enjoys reading Shakespeare or rewriting Shakespeare and…um…till death do you part?  
  
Impa: I do! With all my heart, I do!  
  
Gannondorf: Oh Impa!  
  
Impa: Oh Gannondorf!  
  
(Both start making out, very passionately.)  
  
Audience: EWWWWW…  
  
Rauru: HEY! I didn't say, "kiss the bride" yet! Nurse Candy! My cane please!  
  
Rauru grabbed the cane and began to poke Gannondorf very, very weakly with it.  
  
Tia: Um…we're running out of film here.  
  
The Happy Mask Man snatched the cane from Rauru's hands.  
  
Happy Mask Man: You're not hitting him hard enough! Like this!  
  
The Happy Mask Man whacked Gannondorf over the head. Gannondorf's eyes rolled back into his head and he keeled over, unconscious  
  
Impa: GANNY-POO!  
  
Happy Mask Man: Whoops…   
  
Rauru: Nurse Candy!  
  
Nurse Kate: It's Nurse Kate.  
  
Rauru: Who cares! That mean and nasty Happy Mask Man stole my cane and busted it over Gannondorf's head!  
  
Impa: Ganny-poo! Lovey! Speak to me!  
  
Link: That's just peachy!   
  
Impa: Shut up, Link! You're just being surly because you only got to hand out programs!  
  
Link: I was being surly?! You accuse me of surliness! All I said was "That's just peachy!" in a semi-surly tone!  
  
Zelda: Nobody cares! The groom's unconscious! This is absolutely fantastic!   
  
Malon: Huh?  
  
Zelda: Nevermind.  
  
Gannondorf: Impy-Wuvy?  
  
Impa: Ganny-poo! You're awake!  
  
Zelda: (under her breath) crap.  
  
Gannondorf: It's you, isn't it?  
  
Impa: Who?  
  
Zelda: What?  
  
Audience: We're confused…  
  
Link: Who? Me?  
  
Gannondorf: Yes! You Link! You are deliberately trying to ruin my wedding!  
  
Link: I am? I thought Zelda-  
  
Audience: He is?  
  
Gannondorf: Yes! You are! And I can't allow that! (The Triforce symbol on his hand lights up.)  
  
Impa: Oh-no.  
  
Audience: Uh-oh.  
  
Link: Oh crap.  
  
Gannondorf transforms into GANON waving his many swords! (The pig/goat/dinosaur thingy!)  
  
Audience: Gasp! (or inhales sharply)  
  
Sailor Zel: Sailor Barrier!  
  
A protective field of energy surrounds the Audience.  
  
Audience: Whew! (or exhales that sharply inhaled air)  
  
Link: Whew! I'm safe!  
  
Suddenly Link realized he was on the outside of the barrier.  
  
Link: Uh-oh! Sailor Zel! Quick! Let me in! I wanna be in the barrier too!  
  
Sailor Zel: Oops…  
  
Link: Oh crap! I must flee!  
  
Link ran around in mad circles as GANON watched and got dizzier and dizzier. GANON blinked and shook his head. Link got tired and had to rest.  
  
Link: Running is hard! Either that or I'm out of shape!  
  
GANON advanced towards Link, trapping him between GANON and the wall.  
  
Link: Mommy.  
  
Sheik: (the REAL one) Sorry, Mom couldn't find her medication, are we late? Oh hi Link! How's life treatin ya?  
  
Link: Not so good.   
  
GANON came closer, his swords flashing.  
  
Rini: (Impa's twisted sister and Sheik's mommy!) SHEIK! Where the %$#* are you?  
  
Sheik: Here, mum.  
  
Rini: Good! Let's sit down and get this &%$* wedding over!  
  
Rini crossed her arms over her chest and walked towards the seats.  
  
: Clunk! :  
  
Rini: What the $%#* is this &$%@ force field doing here!  
  
Audience: It's protecting us from GANON!  
  
Rini: Well la dee da! I guess I'm not worthy of being inside the force field so I'll be going but first…IMPA! Where the jerk I came all this way to see you marry!  
  
Impa: Rini please! Rini this is my fiancé, Gannondorf Dragmire.  
  
Rini glanced at GANON.  
Rini: Oh Impa, Impa, Impa, you could do better! I mean look at him! You could have at least picked a cute one!  
  
Impa: Rini shut up.  
  
Rini: Yuck! Even Sheik's daddy wasn't that ugly!  
  
Impa: Shut up, I said!  
  
Rini: EWWW! He stinks too!  
  
Impa: SHUT UP! RINI! At least I didn't have a crush on the Deranged Windmill guy in grade school!  
  
Audience: GASP!  
  
Rini: I…I…I didn't!  
  
Impa: Yes you did! And I quote, "It's his charm, his sweet, insane ways that attract me." That's exactly what you said! Word for word!  
  
Rini: Impa! I…I…I hate you! (bursts into tears and runs out of the church)  
  
Tia: Oh poop!  
  
Morpha: What?  
  
Tia: We're out of film!  
  
Morpha: Poop indeed.  
  
Tia: Hang on! Pause the wedding! I gotta get more film!  
  
Tia flew off and the fic was put into pause mode, which is something like this.  
  
(PPPPPPAAAAAAUUUUUUSSSSSSEEEEEEDDDDDD!!!!!!! (Breath) PPPPPPAAAAAAUUUUUUSSSSSSEEEEEEDDDDDD!!!!!!!)  
  
Tia: Ok! I'm back!  
  
Malon: Can we please finish the wedding! These high heels are killing my feet!  
GANON promptly transformed back into Gannondorf and scurried back up the aisle to the altar. Sailor Zel took her Sailor Barrier down.  
  
Rauru: Ok where were we?  
  
Impa: I had just said I do.  
  
Rauru: Oh, ok, found my place!  
By the power vested in me by my yummy grape lollipop I now pronounce you man and wife! You may kiss the bride now.  
  
They kiss, and the wedding march starts up again.  
  
Audience: YAY!  
  
Link: I'm not gonna cry. I'm not gonna cry. Oh crap, I'm gonna cry. (Cries.)  
  
The audience and wedding party goes outside and throws rice as the bride and groom come out. Then a dark shadow crosses over the happy party.  
  
Audience: Huh?  
  
Dark shadow: Coo! Coo!  
  
Random Guest: AHHHH! PIGEONS!  
  
Audience: AHHHH!  
  
Pigeons swooped down on the party pecking up the rice that had landed on people's clothes, hair, and shoes.  
  
Random Guest #1: AHHHH! They're pecking at my tie!  
  
Random Guest #2: Be gone filthy disease carrying birds!  
  
Random Guest #3: AHHH! One stole my hat!  
  
Link: Quick! Everyone flee the army of pigeons!  
  
The wedding party fled to cars, horses, and author's clouds. Gannondorf picked up his bride and ran to the limousine with the "Just Married" sign. The guests sped away on their sources of transportation and the army of pigeons broke up.  
  
  
Gerudo Fortress ~ Later  
  
The limousine pulled up in front of the Gerudo Fortress and Gannondorf stepped out and admired the fortress. The pirates were putting the finishing touches on the outdoor decorations. White balloons were tied to flag poles and ribbons hung from the windows and a huge banner reading "Welcome Home Mr. and Mrs. Dragmire!" hung over the gate.  
  
Gannondorf: What do you think?  
  
Impa: Oh Ganny-poo! It's beautiful! I love it!  
  
Gannondorf: Really?  
  
Impa: Of course! But we have to go inside the reception is starting soon.  
  
The newly weds walked inside the fortress the main hall. The main hall was decorated with white roses, ribbons, and a huge buffet table with the five-layer wedding cake made by Cerena as the centerpiece. In the western end of the room, Gannondorf's throne had been replaced with a large stage. The Indigo-gos were providing the evening's music.   
  
A few minutes later the guests began arriving, a few were still recovering from the pigeon attack. The band arrived and began to warm up with their song; The MM Credits!   
  
The guests that came included several FF.net Zelda authors such as Chica; Tofu Ninja, Cerena Montauyu and her boyfriend the Skullkid, Dokoru, Galaxy Girl with her boyfriend Little Link of the Gorons, Blue Crescent Moon, and Sailor Zel and her boyfriend, Hikari of the Zoras. Also Angered Fairy and Princess of the Pixies came!  
  
  
Little Later ~ Dining Hall of the Gerudo Fortress  
  
Mido: Saria! Look at me! Look what I can do! (Mido's balancing a spoon on his nose.)  
  
Saria: Very interesting. Good for you.  
  
Link: Yes, yes, what a marvelous talent.  
  
Mido: Bet ya you can't do it, Link.  
  
Link: Bet ya I could.  
  
Mido: Bet ya you couldn't.  
  
Link: You're on!   
  
Link picked up his spoon and balanced it on his nose.  
  
Mido: I could do it longer than you!  
  
Link: Can not!  
  
Mido: Can too!   
  
Link: Can not!  
  
Mido: you're on!   
  
10 minutes later ~  
  
Mido sat perfectly still resisting the childish urge to move. Link was silent and staring down his nose at the spoon.  
  
15 minutes later ~  
  
Link: I'm hungry can we stop now?  
  
Mido: No! I'm gonna prove I can do it longer than you!  
  
Link sighed and took the spoon off his nose.  
  
Link: There! You win. Yay for Mido.  
  
Mido: YAY! I won! I am the spoon-balancing champion!  
  
Link: Yah, whatever.  
  
Mido: This victory feels hollow.   
  
Other End of the rrreeeaaallllllyyy long table ~  
  
LL: Do they have rocks?  
  
GG: I'm sure they have rocks.  
  
LL: Good! Rocks are yummy!  
  
Sailor Zel: Hey? Does anybody know exactly what they're serving?  
  
Hikari: Nope.  
  
LL: As long as they have rocks I don't care!  
  
Then several pirates dressed as waitresses came out and served streaming red soup to everyone.  
  
Hikari: What is this?  
  
Sailor Zel: Is it tomato?  
  
GG: This Hyrule I don't think they have tomatoes.  
  
LL: It's not rocks! I don't like it!  
  
Hikari: Who's gonna taste it?  
  
Cerena: Why don't you?  
  
Sailor Zel: Hey! The other people are eating it! Ask them what it is!  
  
GG: Um, excuse me, but what exactly are we eating?  
  
Random Hylian Guest: The Red Soup.  
  
GG: Yeah, but what's it made of?  
  
Random Hylian Guest: A Like-Like's stomach, it's a delicacy in Termina. Watch out for somebody's bones in it though! Oh man, once I found a piece of clothing in mine!  
  
Cerena: EWWW! I'll pass!  
  
Sailor Zel: Me too.  
  
GG: Me three.  
  
LL: Hey! This isn't rocks! But it's good!  
  
The authors tremble, Sailor Zel looks like she's about to hurl.  
  
Princess of the Pixies: How can he eat that stuff?  
  
Angered Fairy: I hope the main course isn't made of anybody's stomach.  
  
Blue Crescent Moon: At least Cerena made the cake! We can always eat that!  
  
Chica: True.  
  
Luckily for the authors the main course was Roasted Surprise!  
  
Sailor Zel: EWWW! I think it used to be a bombchu!  
  
Cerena: Gross! Gross! It's a snapper!  
  
GG: Good Goddesses! I don't even wanna know what this was!  
  
Princess of the Pixies: I can't even eat this! It's a skullfish!  
  
Chica: (poking it with her fork, her food trembles) I think it's still alive.  
  
Angered Fairy: It could be a Deku Baba, but I'm not sure.  
  
Blue Crescent Moon: It might be a dodongo, but then again…  
  
Cassandra Jade: I think I'll just eat that toast I brought, thank you.  
  
Ok, so unluckily for the authors it was Roasted Surprise, but there's always cake.  
  
Little while later after dinner ~  
  
Lulu (The Indigo-gos lead singer): Ok, the first dance of the evening goes to the lucky couple! Gannondorf and Impa!  
  
Impa: Oh Ganny-poo! They're playing our song!  
  
: The Indigo-gos sing "You're Just Too Good to be True" :  
  
Random Guest #1: AWWWW! They're so cute together!  
  
Random Guest #2: The Gerudo King and his Shadow Sage!  
  
Random Guest #3: Actually they look like the most mismatched couple ever.  
  
Random Guests #1 & 2: Shut up! Someone remove him from the party!  
  
Three Gerudo pirates appear and arrest Random Guest #3.  
  
Gerudo Pirate #1: Alright, buddy!  
  
Random Guest #3: But I was just speaking the truth!   
  
Gerudo Pirate #2: Save it for someone who cares.  
  
Random Guest #3: You can't do this! I plead the First!  
  
Gerudo pirate #3: Where do you think you are? The United States of America? This is Hyrule, buddy! We don't have a constitution! And we don't give a crap about your freedom of speech!   
  
Random Guest #3: #@$% democracy! Why can't it be founded in places where ya need it!  
  
The pirates grabbed Random Guest #3 and threw him out.  
  
Gerudo pirate #1: And don't come back!  
  
The women dusted off their hands and walked back in the fortress.  
  
Random Guest #3: The teachings of the Democrats must be brought to this enslaved land!  
  
Two guests taking a walk on the lookout post, stare at him very ODDLY.  
  
Inside the fortress ~  
  
Lulu: To all the ladies out there this song's for you! So grab that special guy and come onto the dance floor!  
  
The guests begin to pair off, Galaxy Girl and Little Link, Cerena and Dokoru, and Sailor Zel and Hikari.  
  
Malon, Zelda, Saria, and Ruto lock eyes.  
  
Ruto: Don't even think it! Any of you!  
  
Malon: Screw you, Fish girl! He's mine!  
  
Zelda: Not if I get to him first!  
  
Saria; I'll beat ya all to him!  
  
: Mission Impossible Music starts up :   
  
Saria grabs Suki and winds up her wings like a wind-up toy. Suki's wings begin to spin like a tiny helicopter and Saria is lifted into the air.  
  
Saria: So long suckers! To Link, Suki! Full speed ahead!  
  
Malon: You're the sucker, Saria!  
  
Malon performs three perfect cartwheels into the crowd. Following her cartwheels are four flips without stopping and somersaulting through a random guest's legs.  
  
Other Random Guests: Oh! Ah! (applause)  
  
Zelda: Showoffs! I'll get there first!  
  
Zelda pulled the hookshot from her pocket and aimed for a wooden beam above Link.  
  
Ruto: Yoink!  
  
Ruto grabbed the hookshot and pulled herself up to the beam.  
  
Zelda: CRAP! Oh I know!  
  
Zelda got out the Ocarina of Time and played the Song of Soaring.  
  
Link: Uh-oh! They're coming to get me! Um…uh…what to do!  
  
Suddenly a very, very large woman bumped into Link, knocking him over.  
  
Irene (Impa's 450 pound mother): Oh! Sorry dear! Are you all right?  
  
The fat woman helped him to his feet. Link was dazed for a minute, it wasn't everyday he was knocked over by a woman whose sizes at the clothes shop were extra large, extra, extra large and oh my goddess it's coming towards us! Suddenly one of those once in a millennium events occurred. Link had an idea!  
  
Link: (They can't dance with me if I'm already dancing!) Um Lady! My fault entirely! Allow me to apologize by dancing with you! Please! (Say yes! Say yes! Malon's almost here!)  
  
Irene: Why! How nice of you! I'd love to dance with such a polite gentleman!  
  
Link: (yeah! Yeah! Whatever!) Let's go!  
  
Link grabbed Irene's cubby hand and went out on the dance floor. The four girls stopped dead in their tracks.  
  
Ruto: He…he…he's dancing with the fat lady  
  
Saria: Help! I can't get down!  
  
Zelda: Crap.  
  
Malon: There's always the next big social event.  
  
The three girls walked over the chairs lining the wall while Saria and Suki are still stuck up in the air.  
  
~~ Somewhere else in the room  
  
Darunia sighed, the party was dark and boring to him. Watching all the couples dancing, even his son and his girlfriend, made him almost miss Doko Mono. He twiddled his thumbs and hummed the Simpsons Theme to pass the time.  
  
Mysterious yet angelic voice (to a goron anyway): Excuse me? Is this the wedding of Darunia and Doko Mono?  
  
Darunia: No…I'm not getting- DIRENIA!   
  
Direnia: DARUNIA!  
  
Darunia gazed at the female goron, with her big, empty, brown eyes, red lipstick and curly blond hair.  
  
Little Link: MOMMY!  
  
Darunia: You're back! You had me so worried after that day you disappeared without a trace while collecting rocks!  
  
Direnia: Yes, well what happened was these Terminan guys said they wanted me to join their cult and I was like, cult! That's such a cool word! So they took me to Termina and made me queen! Being Queen was cool, but then I remembered I had my two favorite boys waiting for me at home! So I left!  
  
Little Link: Mommy! You're back!  
  
Direnia: Oh my Little LL! You've gotten so big! But you're still the little baby goron I remember! (Kisses his cheek)  
  
Guests (all of them not just random ones): AWWWWW!  
  
Link: This is so touching! (Wipes at a tear.)  
  
Irene handed her dancing partner a tissue.  
  
Direnia: Darunia?  
  
Darunia: Hmmm?  
  
Direnia: Wanna dance?  
  
Darunia: Sure!  
  
The happy goron couple went out onto the dance floor.  
  
Darunia: Ouch! My foot!  
  
Direnia: Sorry.  
  
~~~~~ Later that evening (the party's toning down now)  
Impa sat on a chair with Gannondorf standing beside her.  
  
Impa: Thank you everybody!  
  
Impa glanced at the pile of unwrapped wedding gifts. A microwave from Sailor Zel, a hot tub from Galaxy Girl, a toaster, a box of china, and a few other things.   
  
Everybody: You're welcome!  
  
Meanwhile ~  
  
Link: Whew! I'll be safe from the girls down here! No one would look in the fortress basement!   
  
Mysterious yet very HIGH voice: Oh Link?  
  
Link goes rigid and breaks into a cold sweat.  
  
Link: Who's there?  
  
Mysterious, HIGH voice: You know who's there  
  
Link: But! But! You got the car and the 5 million rupees why do you continue to torment me!?  
  
Mysterious, HIGH voice: Um…uh…Because!   
  
Link: Oh please! Oh goddesses! Please Navi! Relax! There are places where people…er…fairies like you can get help!  
  
Mysterious HIGH voice: I've brought you a present, Link! Guess what it is?  
  
Link: Mints?  
  
Mysterious HIGH voice: You wish it were mints!  
  
Link: Oh please! No! Not that! Anything but that!  
  
Mysterious, HIGH voice: Yes Link! It's Sweet n' low!  
  
Link: NOOOOOOO! (flees the basement)  
  
Upstairs ~  
  
Link: Navi's in the basement! And she's got sweet n' low!  
  
Guests: AHHHHH! That's worst than pigeons!  
  
Morpha: HAHAHA!  
  
Guests: Huh?  
  
Tia: Oh that was good! Did you see him run? He screams like a girl!  
  
Sailor Zel: Tia!? Morpha?!  
  
Tia & Morpha: Uh-oh. We can explain! We were playing a joke on Link! We swear it! We're sorry!  
  
Sailor Zel: Ok, you're forgiven.  
  
Tia & Morpha: YAY!  
  
: KNOCK! KNOCK! :  
  
Gerudo Pirate #1 (Yup, she's back): Someone is at the door.  
  
Gannondorf: Let them in.  
  
Gerudo Pirate #1: The dude says his name is Gordo, says you know him from prison.  
  
Gannondorf: Let him in!  
  
Gerudo Pirate #1: The King says let him in!  
  
Gordo: Hey Gannondorf! Sorry, we couldn't make the wedding they wouldn't give us a free day from prison!  
  
Impa: So how'd you get out?  
  
Gordo: We beat the guards up and brought you guys a present!   
  
A couple of other convicts pulled a covered chunk of wall into the main wall. Gordo grabbed the cloth and pulled it off.  
  
Irene: OH MY GODDESSES! WHAT IN THE NAME OF DIN! (Faints)  
  
Irene's giant body crashed onto the ground leaving a HUGE dent in the floor.  
  
Morpha: Eeep.  
  
Morpha turned a sickly shade of green and fainted.  
  
Sheik: (coughing sounds)  
  
Rini: AHH! There's something wrong with my boy! Somebody help him!  
  
Darunia: I think he's choking.  
  
Rini: Make him stop!  
  
Link: Yes ma-am!   
  
Link whacked Sheik, hard, and the piece of food lodged in his throat flew out of his mouth and collided with the hovering/dancing camera which sailed through the air and knocked Gannondorf unconscious.   
  
Tia: Somebody stop the camera!  
  
The camera continued to fly through the air until it took off the head off the candy groom. Gannondorf came too for a few minutes until that candy groom's head smacked him on the forehead knocking him out cold again.  
  
Impa: Ganny-poo!  
  
Gannondorf: Imppy-Wuvvy? Do you like the mural I painted of you?  
  
Impa glanced at the mural in all its destructive glory!  
  
Impa: Ganny-poo! It's a masterpiece! We'll hang it in the living room!  
  
Gannondorf: You like?  
  
Impa: I love! It's a wonderful picture! And you didn't forget the Shiekiah mark on my –  
  
Sailor Zel and Galaxy Girl: Silence! Remember the rating!  
  
Impa: Sorry.  
  
Gannondorf: I'm sleepy.  
  
Impa: Maybe it's time we went to bed and get some  
  
Sailor Zel: Ahem…rating!  
  
Impa: OK! And get some sleep! Some sleep!  
  
Galaxy Girl: Much better.  
  
Impa: Good night everyone! Thank you for coming!   
  
Guests: Beautiful wedding! Congratulations!  
  
Gannondorf: Thank you! Come again!  
  
Impa: My poor Ganny-poo! You've your poor head one too many times today.  
  
Gannondorf: True.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
End of chapter 1  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
R&R! Thank you!  



	3. The Ultra Clean Honeymoon Chapter! Part ...

So I Married An Evil King?  
By Zel and Galaxy Girl  
  
CHAPTER THREE: The Ultra-Clean Honeymoon Chapter! Part One  
  
A/N: We, the authors of So I Married An Evil King, do solemnly affirm that there will be no dirty stuff or "smut" in these two honeymoon chapters. After all, in the words of Krusty the Klown...  
  
"Comedy isn't stuff that is dirty! It's stuff that SOUNDS dirty. Like mukluk!"  
  
| | = a character's thoughts.  
  
  
  
Impa smiled and set the picture back on the mantle. "Oh, we had such a beautiful wedding!"  
"I know..." Ganondorf grinned. "But I think the honeymoon was even better!"  
Impa gasped. "GANON!"  
"What?" he said.   
"Well... I guess you're partially right. The honeymoon WAS pretty nice..."  
Ganondorf snorted. "I'm never going on another honeymoon as long as I live."   
  
(flashback noises)  
  
DOOODLYDOOP! DOOODLYDOOP! DOODLYDOOP! DOOODLYDOOP!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
(Scene: Gerudo/Groovy Valley, the day after the wedding. The Gerudos have all gathered out in front of the fortress to say goodbye to their king and his newly married queen, as they leave for their honeymoon in Maui!)  
  
Ganondorf: Thanks again you guys, for letting us go on our honeymoon in peace.  
  
Random Gerudo 1: Well, it's the least we could do.   
  
Random Gerudo 2: That's right. We've lived without you for a while, we can last a week.  
  
Nabooru: (slyly) So... Ganondorf... WHO'S IN CHARGE?  
  
All Gerudos: YEAH! YEAH! WHO'S IN CHARGE?  
  
Ganondorf: (obviously uncomfortable) Uh... Uh... why does anyone have to be in charge? Why can't everyone just watch out for themselves?  
  
Random Gerudo 3: (snorts) Hmmph. We'll remember you said that when you come back.  
  
Ganondorf: (turns purple) Uh... Uh...  
  
Random Gerudo 1: (whispers to a group of Gerudos) Boy, he sure has lost his leader-like attitude since he met Impa...  
  
Random Gerudo 4: Yeah, he's turned into a big wuss!  
  
Ganondorf: HAVE NOT!  
  
Random Gerudo 2: Yes huh.   
  
Ganondorf: NO!  
  
Nabooru: (walks towards Ganondorf) Yeah, you guys. Come on, he's not all soft!  
  
(Nabooru pokes him in the stomach, and he whimpers and starts crying.)  
  
Ganondorf: OW! NABOORU, THAT HURT!  
  
(The Gerudos all raise their eyebrows.)  
  
Nabooru: | Yeah, Ganondorf... King of Evil. Whatever happened to that? King of Fluff is more like it! |  
  
Ganondorf: |Yo Nabooru, I can read thoughts, remember? |  
  
Nabooru: | Oops... |  
  
Ganondorf: (sniffles, changes the subject) Hey, where is Impa, anyway? Our ride is supposed to be here any minute!   
  
Random Gerudo 3: I saw her inside, packing about an hour ago.   
  
(Impa runs out of the fortress, dragging a definitely overstuffed suitcase.)  
  
Impa: Here I am, sweetie!  
  
Ganondorf: Ah, good.   
  
(He kisses her on the cheek)   
  
Impa: Thank you for last night...  
  
(Suddenly, Zel and GG poke their heads out of random windows in the fortress.)  
  
GG: (screaming) HEY! None of that!  
  
Zel: REMEMBER THE RAAAATING!  
  
Impa: (turns red) Uh... I mean... Thank you for last night, sweetie... It was really nice of you to uh... uh... help me pack my suitcase!  
  
Ganondorf: (blushes) Uh, yeah... it was no trouble at all! Uh...  
  
GG: That's better.  
  
Zel: Watch it, you two!  
  
(They disappear)  
  
Impa: (grumbling)  
  
Ganondorf: Hey! Look! Here comes our romantic ride to Maui!  
  
Impa: A LIMO?  
  
Ganondorf: No.  
  
Impa: A JET??!?!?  
  
Ganondorf: (grinning) No...  
  
Impa: WHAT IS IT?  
  
Ganondorf: The ancient Gerudo honeymoon tradition!  
  
Impa: What?  
  
Ganondorf: A CAMEL!  
  
Impa: A CAMEL?  
  
(A fat guy leading a camel rides into the fortress. The camel is all dressed up nicely, and it has a sign painted on its butt that reads "Just Married!")  
  
Ganondorf: Hey, you're late!  
  
Fat Guy W/ Camel: Sorry, he decided to stop at a bush just past Zora's Domain.   
  
Ganondorf: And now, my queen, I help you onto our ride and we ride to MAUI!  
  
Impa: (crossing arms, looking mad) I hate camels!  
  
Ganondorf: Huh? Why? What do Sheikahs ride off to their honeymoons on?  
  
Impa: My mom Irene and my dad Bob rode to their honeymoon in a limo!  
  
Ganondorf: A LIMO? That is like, SO cliché!   
  
Impa: (sighs) Whatever. Come on sweetie, help me up!  
  
(Ganondorf is about to help her onto the camel, when the fat guy steps forward)  
  
Fat Guy W/ Camel: AHEM!  
  
Ganondorf: What?  
  
Fat Guy W/ Camel: That'll be 250 Rupees.   
  
Ganondorf: 250 RUPEES?! I could BUY a camel for that much!  
  
Fat Guy W/ Camel: Hey, I gotta keep a livin', ya know?  
  
Ganondorf: Fine. But that's the LAST time I use Slimy Pete's Honeymoon Camel Rental!  
  
(He shells out a gold and a purple Rupee and the Fat Guy counts it carefully. Then he grins.)  
  
Fat Guy W/ Camel: Thank you, and have a great time doin'...  
  
(A tin can hits him in the head. He looks up, to see Zel and GG on top of the fortress.)  
  
Fat Guy W/ Camel: Uh, have a great time doin' the honeymoon thing!  
  
(The Fat Guy walks away, and Ganondorf motions to the camel)  
  
Ganondorf: Shall we, my dear?  
  
Impa: We shall!  
  
(He holds his hands together for her to step on, and she steps up.)  
  
Ganondorf: (screams, moves hands away) AAAH! OWWW!  
  
Impa: WHOAAA! (slips off camel and hit the ground.)  
  
Ganondorf: OWWWOOOOWWW! You never said you were going to wear your Razor brand Sheikah stiletto heels!  
  
Impa: OWWW! OWWW! Sorry!   
  
(She stands up, takes off her heels, and pitches them away.)  
  
(At that second, Al, the guy who was hit with a flower at the wedding, is walking by the fortress.)  
  
Al: Ow... stupid flower! AHA! Finally! I got it out of my eye!  
  
(A stiletto heel flies out of nowhere and smacks him in the head)  
  
Al: OWWW!   
  
(He picks up the shoe off of the ground.)  
  
Al: Hmm. Well, at least it didn't hit me in the face.  
  
(The other shoe comes flying towards him. More specifically, his face.)  
  
Al: Uh oh...  
  
WHAM!  
  
(Impa shrugs and gets back up onto the camel.)  
  
Impa: Come on, honey! Let's not take all day!  
  
Ganondorf: Coming, dear!  
  
(He hops up onto the camel right behind Impa.)  
  
Impa: OK, we're both up on the camel, and now... WE CAN LEAVE!  
  
Ganondorf: Goodbye, everyone! We'll see you later!  
  
Gerudos: BYE GANONDORF! BYE IMPA!   
  
(The happy couple ride away on the camel, the tin cans hanging off of its rear end jangling on the ground.)  
  
Nabooru: (waits until they are out of hearing range, and...) GOODBYE RULES! ANAR-CHY! ANAR-CHY! ANAR-CHY!  
  
Gerudos: YES! YEAAAAAAAAAAH! ANAR-CHY!  
  
All: (chanting) ANAR-CHY! ANAR-CHY!  
  
(Scene: Hyrule Field. Ganondorf and Impa are riding off to Maui.)  
  
Ganondorf: We finally got married, sweetheart.   
  
Impa: I know! Three months ago, I never would have believed that you were my soul mate! I hated your guts!   
  
Ganondorf: I know...   
  
(He rubs a big bruise on his stomach)  
  
Impa: I'm so sorry for everything I've ever done to you, darling.  
  
Ganondorf: Even locking me in the Evil Realm?  
  
Impa: Even that.  
  
Ganondorf: Ah, I'm joking. You guys thought you were so cool, with your big perfect seal... HA! Nothing a little sulfuric acid and some Sweet N' Low won't fix!  
  
Impa: Heh heh heh.  
  
Ganondorf: Hey, I just realized something!   
  
Impa: What?  
  
Ganondorf: I don't even know where Maui is!  
  
Impa: Oh. Well, why don't you check that sign over there?  
  
Ganondorf: (whispering) Honey, this is Hyrule. I'm sure Maui isn't in Hyrule...  
  
Impa: No, I sense it. Just check that sign.  
  
Ganondorf: (sighs) All RIIIIIGHT, I'll check the sign.  
  
(He hops off the camel and goes to check the sign.)  
  
Ganondorf: (reading off sign)   
"Hyrule Castle- 1 mile  
Lon-Lon Ranch- 1/2 mile  
Kokiri Forest- 2 miles  
Goron City- 3 1/2 miles  
Kakariko Village- 3 miles  
Maui- 30 miles to the south"  
  
(He suddenly realizes what he has just read.)  
  
Ganondorf: Maui, 30 miles to the SOUTH?  
  
Impa: I TOOOOOLD YOU!  
  
(Ganondorf hops back on the horse)   
  
Ganondorf: Well, let's go to our honeymoon suite in Maui, and...  
  
(A rock flies out of a tree and hits him in the head)  
  
Ganondorf: OOOF! Uh... I mean... Let's go to our honeymoon suite and bake a cake!  
  
Impa: (slowly) Yes, let's... go to Maui and bake a cake, honey!  
  
Ganondorf: Only a couple of hours and a LOOOOOOOOT of bumpy camel riding to go!  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~* A COUPLE OF HOURS AND A LOOOOOOOOT OF BUMPY CAMEL RIDING LATER... *~*~*~*~*~  
  
(Scene: A beach in MAUI! The happy couple ride up to the hotel)  
  
Impa: Oh Ganondorf! This is WONDERFUL! How ever did you afford it?  
  
Ganondorf: Well...  
  
(brief flashback. Ganondorf is holding some guy by the throat and screaming right next to a reception desk)  
  
Ganondorf: YOU GIVE ME RESERVATIONS FOR TWO IN YOUR NICEST HONEYMOON SUITE RIGHT THIS INSTANT, OR I'LL BREAK YOUR %&^$&#* NECK!  
  
Man: (in squeaky voice) Yes sir!  
  
Ganondorf: AND I WANT TOWELS FOLDED IN A DIFFERENT ORIGAMI SHAPE EVERY DAY!  
  
Man: (in squeaky voice) Yes sir!  
  
Ganondorf: AND THOSE DELICIOUS LITTLE CHOCOLATE MINTS ON THE PILLOWS EVERY MORNING AND AFTERNOON!  
  
Man: (getting squeakier) yes sir...  
  
Ganondorf: AND OUR OWN PRIVATE HOT TUB ON THE BALCONY! AND A FIREWORKS SHOW THE FIRST NIGHT THAT SAYS "GANNY-POO LOVES IMPY-WUVVY"!  
  
Man: ...  
  
Ganondorf: AND A PASS TO EVERY SINGLE FANCY RESTAURANT IN THE CITY!  
  
Man: ...  
  
Ganondorf: (suddenly calm) Did you get all that?  
  
Man: (raspy) Sir, I can't breathe...  
  
Ganondorf: Oops. (sets the guy down and brushes him off) Thank you, have a nice day!  
  
(end of flashback)  
  
Ganondorf: Uh, I've been saving money for my honeymoon since I was three.   
  
Impa: REALLY? That's so sweet! Oh Ganny-Poo, this is wonderful! Thank you so much!  
  
(They ride up to the valet parking lot and Ganondorf helps Impa off of the camel. A teenager in a red suit runs up to them.)  
  
Valet Teen: Hello Sir and Madame! Welcome to Hotel La Smooché! I am the valet boy, may I park your...  
  
(He sees the couple's ride)  
  
Valet Teen: (shocked) ... camel?  
  
Ganondorf: Yes, please.  
  
Valet Teen: ...  
  
Impa: Park it near the window, and give him lots of food, OK?  
  
Valet Teen: (pale) Uh... sure.   
  
Ganondorf: (hands the valet teen a gold Rupee) Thank you, my good man! Go buy yourself something nice!  
  
Valet Teen: (gasps at the Rupee, and salutes Ganondorf) YES SIR! Your camel will be in good hands!  
  
(Ganondorf and Impa grab their bags, and they leave the valet teen to the camel. The teen tries to lead the camel away, but the camel spits at him. We last see the valet teen attempting to yank the camel along, but the camel decides to stay put.)  
  
(Ganondorf and Impa enter the hotel's lobby, and they approach the desk. At the reception desk is the same man from Ganondorf's flashback)  
  
Man: Hello, welcome to... AAAGGGGGHHHH!   
  
Impa: AGGGGHHH? What the...  
  
(The guy turns pale and runs into the back room)  
  
Impa: (confused) Ganondorf, what's wrong with that guy?  
  
Ganondorf: | Uh oh... |   
  
Impa: Why was he running like that?  
  
Ganondorf: |Come on big boy... think of something... | He must have had to go to the bathroom, Impa.  
  
Impa: Oh. |Oh man! I KNEW that he beat someone up for this hotel room! |  
  
(another receptionist walks into the desk and bows)  
  
Receptionist: Hello Sir, Madame. Welcome to Hotel La Smooché, the honeymooner's dream hotel! Do you have a reservation?  
  
Impa: We do.  
  
Ganondorf: It should be under "Dragmire".   
  
(The receptionist checks the reservation book and smiles)  
  
Receptionist: Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Dragmire. You're upstairs in the Honeymoon Suite.   
  
Ganondorf: Thank you, my good man! (He hands him another gold Rupee) Go buy yourself something nice.   
  
(The guy grins. Ganondorf digs out another gold Rupee and hands it to him.)  
  
Ganondorf: Oh, and give this one to that fellow back there hiding in the garbage can.   
  
(The receptionist tosses the Rupee into the garbage can, and a pair of eyes stick out.)  
  
Man in Garbage: Thank you, sir!  
  
Ganondorf: Come on Impa, let's go upstairs to our room and...  
  
(Zel and GG step out of an elevator. They both clear their throats)  
  
Ganondorf: And... check out the balcony!  
  
Impa: Oh yes, that's a good idea!  
  
(Zel and GG nod appreciatively and step back into the elevator.)   
  
(The couple hops another elevator to the top floor and goes to the room with the big red heart on the door. They can hear a TV set on inside the room.)  
  
Impa: Hey! Do you hear that, pumpkin?  
  
Ganondorf: OOOOH! SURROUND SOUND!  
  
Impa: No, sweetie! Someone's in our room!  
  
Ganondorf: Huh? THAT LITTLE RECEPTIONIST PUNK! I'LL POUND HIM!  
  
Impa: Now, now let's knock on the door and calmly explain that we had reservations to this room.  
  
Ganondorf: Uh... yeah, that works too.  
  
(Impa knocks on the door. A pair of raspy voices answers)  
  
Voices: Yes? Who is it?  
  
Ganondorf: Pardon me, Sir or Madame, but this is our room!  
  
Impa: We had reservations. And you... uh... are in them.  
  
Voices: Just a second, please.   
  
(The door opens and Ganondorf screams)  
  
Ganondorf: MOTHER! MOTHER!  
  
(Twinrova opens the door. Koume and Kotake are staring at them.)  
  
Koume: Ganondorf! What are YOU doing in the honeymoon suite?  
  
Ganondorf: No, mom. What are YOU doing in the honeymoon suite?  
  
(The Lake Scientist steps out into the doorway. As you know, Twinrova recently married the Lake Scientist)  
  
Lake Scientist: What's going on, dear? Dear?  
  
Ganondorf: AAAAGGGH! MOM! MOM! You didn't!  
  
Kotake: You mean you didn't tell him, Koume?  
  
Koume: I thought YOU told him, Kotake!  
  
Kotake: Uh... Ganondorf honey, this is your new step-daddy. The Lake Scientist.  
  
Lake Scientist: HIYEEEEE!  
  
Ganondorf: (screams, falls over on floor) MOM! Why didn't you tell me you were getting married?  
  
Koume: Well gee, son. We've only been dead until the last couple of months.  
  
Kotake: Hey, what is SHE doing here with you?  
  
Ganondorf: Mom, mom, this is my wife Impa Zappa Dragmire.  
  
Both Koume and Kotake: WHAT? YOUR WIFE?  
  
Koume: How could you not invite us to your wedding?  
  
Kotake: REALLY!   
  
Ganondorf: Mom, mom, you've been dead for the last few years! When did you come back?  
  
Koume: Uh... Well, never mind. What's done is done.   
  
Kotake: Well, she looks like a great gal, sweetie.   
  
Impa: Thank you... Koume?  
  
Koume: I'M Koume!  
  
Kotake: I'm Kotake!  
  
Impa: Well, uh... what are we going to do about the room?  
  
Koume: Oh, don't worry. We'll move out right now.  
  
(The witches snap their fingers, and all their luggage appear in their hands)  
  
Kotake: Have a great time you two!  
  
Koume: And remember, we want some grandkids!  
  
(Zel calmly walks out and hits Koume in the head with a small shovel)  
  
Koume: Uh... whoops.  
  
Lake Scientist: Come on girls, let's go!  
  
(They pick up all the luggage and walk out of the room. The Lake Scientist speaks to Ganondorf)  
  
Lake Scientist: Well, we'll see you later, son!  
  
Ganondorf: (screaming) YOU'LL NEVER BE MY REAL DADDY!  
  
(He starts crying, and Koume, Kotake, and Lake Scientist leave the hotel and head back for Hyrule.)  
  
Impa: (pats Ganondorf on back) It's OK sweetie.   
  
Ganondorf: (suddenly perky) Hey, are those little chocolate mints still on the pillow?  
  
(He runs into the spacious, romantic, really cool room.)  
  
Ganondorf: AAAAAH! THEY ARE! The mints are still here!   
  
(He eats the mints quickly. Impa is looking around.)  
  
Impa: Look honey! We have HBO!  
  
Ganondorf: YEAH!  
  
Impa: And is that...  
  
(She looks in the oven)  
  
Impa: OH! They gave a complimentary lamb roast!  
  
Ganondorf: And sweet yams?  
  
Impa: Let me check... YES!  
  
Ganondorf: I LOVE THIS HOTEL!  
  
(He looks around the entertainment system)  
  
Ganondorf: AAAHHHH! THEY HAVE A NINTENDO 64!   
  
Impa: THEY DO!  
  
(They scream and jump around)  
  
Ganondorf: Hey, it's almost 8:00 at night!   
  
Impa: Hmm. Well, I'll fix the lamb roast for dinner, and then we can watch a movie!  
  
Ganondorf: Sounds good!  
  
Impa: (sees something on the counter) OH! Look at this!   
  
"In honor of your visit to Hotel La Smooché on your honeymoon, we present you with one free dinner for two at the hotel's special five star gourmet restaurant Chez Fan-Cé-Pants!"  
  
Ganondorf: GOURMET!  
  
Impa: There sure are a lot of nice people here!  
  
Ganondorf: This is going to be the best honeymoon ever!  
  
Impa: And it hasn't even begun yet, dearest! After dinner we'll...  
  
(They hear a knock at the window. GG is standing there, holding a sign that says "REMEMBER THE RATING!")  
  
Impa: ... we'll make dessert.  
  
Ganondorf: Oh goody! I love dessert!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~* The Risk-é Part of the Fic! (But still rated PG-13!) *~*~*~*~*~*  
  
(Scene: Later. They ate dinner, and are now baking a cake. EW, YOU SICKO! NOT THAT KIND OF CAKE!)  
  
Impa: Let's see... one cup of sugar... three teaspoons of baking powder...  
  
Ganondorf: When do we add the chocolate?  
  
Impa: Pretty soon.  
  
(She stirs the batter, and Ganondorf is staring at her)  
  
Impa: (giggling) What?  
  
Ganondorf: You look so sexy holding that spoon.  
  
Impa: (she raises her eyebrows) You look sexy all the time...  
  
(They stare at each other for a second, and then they leap into each others arms and start making out.)  
  
(A few seconds later, we see the Triforce on Ganondorf's hand light up. They stop, he looks at his hand, and...)  
  
POOF!  
  
(Ganondorf turns into GANON, the pig-lizard dinosaur monster goat thingy.)  
  
Impa: Oh Ganondorf!  
  
GANON: Oh Impa!  
  
(He puckers up and leans over)  
  
Impa: Uh... no offense, but could you... turn back before we make out again?  
  
GANON: Oh, yeah. Sorry.  
  
(He attempts to use the Triforce of Power to turn back into himself.)  
  
GANON: Uh, give me a sec.  
  
(A few seconds later, nothing is different.)  
  
Impa: Oh no! You'll never fit on the bed like this!  
  
GANON: I can barely fit in here!  
  
Impa: Well... maybe you should go watch TV and I'll finish the cake.   
  
GANON: Chocolate always fixes this.  
  
Impa: OK, go watch TV, and I'll bake your cake!  
  
GANON: As soon as I turn back, I'll be back in here!  
  
Impa: And I'll be waiting!  
  
(He literally stomps out into the living room and Impa continues stirring the cake.)  
  
*~*~*~*~*~* End of Risk-é Part! (Gee, you thought it'd be a lot worse than this!) *~*~*~*~*~*  
  
(Scene: The next day, the couple decides to go out to the public beach right next to the hotel. They are getting ready in the room.)  
  
Ganondorf: Impa, have you seen my Speedo?  
  
Impa: (from bathroom) No, dear.  
  
Ganondorf: Oh, I guess I'll just have to wear my trunks.  
  
People in the Room Next Door: |Thank the Goddesses! |  
  
Impa: (from bathroom) I feel ridiculous in this thing!  
  
Ganondorf: Oh come on, Impa! It's just me! Your husband!  
  
Impa: Well... OK... I'm coming out.  
  
(She steps out in a bathing suit that looks surprisingly like what she wears every day, but instead of shorts, a bikini bottom.)  
  
Ganondorf: (surprised) Sweetie! You look...  
  
Impa: (moans) Terrible?  
  
Ganondorf: | Uh... normal? | Honey, you look great!  
  
Impa: (giggles, jumps on bed) OK Ganny-Poo, let's see your swimsuit!  
  
Ganondorf: (blushes) I look silly!  
  
Impa: Come on! I showed you mine!  
  
(He turns bright red and takes off the bathrobe. Ganondorf has black trunks, with a picture of the Triforce on the leg.)  
  
Impa: (laughs) | Oh JEEZ! That looks ridiculous! | You look so hot!  
  
Ganondorf: | She thinks I look ridiculous... | Really?  
  
Impa: Yes!  
  
Ganondorf: (grins) Come on, let's go!  
  
(Scene: A sunny beach. Relaxing music is playing out of nowhere, and everyone's favorite couple come running down from the hotel.)  
  
Ganondorf: Hey look! A spot just for us!  
  
(A nice, sunny, sandy dune.)  
  
Impa: I'll spread out your towel, and you can go find an umbrella!  
  
Ganondorf: OK, be right back!  
  
(Impa spreads out an ultra large towel that says "My Other Towel Is A Magic Carpet". Then, she lies down and slips on a pair of bodacious shades.)  
  
Impa: Hey! You found an umbrella!   
  
Ganondorf: Sure did!   
  
(He sets it up and crashes on the towel next to her.)  
  
Impa: Put on your sunscreen, dear.  
  
Ganondorf: YUCK! I never touch the stuff. Too greasy.  
  
Impa: (sing song) You'll be sor-ry...   
  
Ganondorf: Impa, I grew up in the desert. I can take a little sun.  
  
Impa: True.   
  
(She leans back on the towel.)  
  
Impa: Feel the cool breeze! Smell the fresh sea salt in the air! This is breathtaking, darling!   
  
Ganondorf: And so are you, precious.  
  
Impa: AW!   
  
(The happy couple starts making out on the blanket. Two little kids are watching them. They walk up to them, and start poking them with a stick.)  
  
Boy: Hey Mista... What are you doing?  
  
Girl: Are you eating her face?  
  
(Ganondorf and Impa stop, and they look upset.)  
  
Ganondorf: Hey, beat it, kid!  
  
Impa: Yeah, give us some privacy!  
  
(They start making out again. The two kids run away.)  
  
(A few minutes later, a big man returns with the two kids. He pokes Ganondorf on the shoulder.)  
  
Ganondorf: WHAT? MY WIFE AND I ARE TRYING TO GET SOME PRIVACY!  
  
Big Guy: Hey pal, why don't you get a room?  
  
Impa: We have one, thank you!  
  
Boy: There he is, daddy! The big scary green man who scared us!  
  
Girl: And the ugly lady whose face he was eating!  
  
Impa: UGLY?   
  
Ganondorf: Hey pal, why don't you teach your kids some manners?  
  
Big Guy: Look buddy! This is a public beach! I don't think 100 other beachcombers want to see you and your ugly lady making out, and ESPECIALLY in front of our kids!  
  
Impa: UGLY?  
  
Ganondorf: (leaps up) Hey! You quit calling my wife ugly, 'K? We are on our honeymoon, and we don't need ugly fat guys like you telling us where and where we can't make out!  
  
Big Guy: You wanna make something of it?  
  
Ganondorf: You first, your lardiness!  
  
(The guy pulls back and punches Ganondorf hard in the face.)  
  
Ganondorf: (dazed, singing) It's a long way to Tipperary!  
  
(He falls over unconscious.)  
  
Big Guy: (laughing) HAW! Guess that wuss wasn't so tough.  
  
(The guy turns to see Impa, her eyes glowing purple with her Shadow Sage powers)  
  
Impa: (scary voice) NO ONE CALLS MY HUBBY A WUSS AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!  
  
Big Guy: HOLY &$^%!  
  
Boy: DADDY!  
  
Girl: WAAAAAAAAAAA, I'm SCARED!  
  
(Thunder crashes and lightning strikes, and everyone on the beach screams and runs away from the crazy Sheikah Sage.)  
  
Big Guy: (picks up Ganondorf, dusts him off) Duh, duh... here ya go, lady! Good as new!   
  
(He takes his hands away and Ganondorf falls over flat again)  
  
Big Guy: Duh... yuh... Did I mention that your hair looks fabulous?   
  
(He screams, grabs both his kids, and runs as fast as he can in the other direction.)  
  
Impa: Jerk! You'd think HE owns this beach!  
  
(She leans down and helps her husband up off of the ground. He has a beard of sand, and looks really dazed.)  
  
Ganondorf: Huh? Wha- What happened?  
  
Impa: You had a little scare. But you're OK now.   
  
Ganondorf: Oh good. Hey, where did all the other beachcombers go?  
  
Impa: I forgot to tell you, I got us a private beach!  
  
Ganondorf: YAY! Let's make out some more!   
  
Impa: Let's go swimming, first!   
  
Ganondorf: OK. (looks sly.) LAST ONE THERE'S A STINKY GORON!  
  
(He breaks off running)  
  
Impa: (laughing) Hey, that's not fair!  
  
(They run off into the waves, and start playing around.)  
  
Ganondorf: YEOW! The water's cold!   
  
Impa: BRRRR! Really cold!  
  
Ganondorf: Guess what?  
  
Impa: What?  
  
(He grabs her, picks her up, and drops her in the water.)  
  
Impa: AAAAAH!  
  
Ganondorf: I can't help myself!  
  
(Impa sits up in the water and grabs his leg. She pulls him over.)  
  
Ganondorf: AIEEEE!  
  
(SPLASH!)  
  
Impa: Good, because I can't help myself either!  
  
Ganondorf: Hey, ya wanna make out in the waves?  
  
Impa: That sounds SO romantic!  
  
(They start making out, and the tide slowly comes in, rising over their heads. A few seconds later, Impa stands up out of the water, coughing and hacking, and Ganondorf is patting her on the back.)  
  
Impa: (gagging) AAACCK! AACCCK! ACCCK!  
  
Ganondorf: OK, maybe we should go somewhere where you can breathe, Impa.  
  
Impa: That (HACK!) would be a (COFF!) good idea...  
  
Ganondorf: Wow, and in the movies, they make it look so cool.  
  
Impa: Who says movie women don't have to breathe? AACK!  
  
(Scene: Later that night, back in the hotel room. Impa is watching TV, and Ganondorf is making dinner)  
  
Impa: It smells good, sweetheart!  
  
Ganondorf: This is a special recipe that one of my family members taught me!  
  
Impa: Oh, your mothers?  
  
(Ganondorf sticks his head out of the kitchen. He is wearing a "Kiss the Chef" apron and wearing a classical chef's hat. He breaks down sobbing)  
  
Ganondorf: MOMMY! MOMMY! WAAAAAAAAAAA!  
  
Impa: Oh honey! I'm sorry.   
  
(She gets up and pats him gently on the back. He sobs into her shoulder.)  
  
Impa: It must be hard for you adjusting to your mother and your mother getting married to a new guy.  
  
Ganondorf: I miss my REAL daddy! WAAAAAAA!  
  
Impa: (sighs) Honey, your real daddy loves you!   
  
Ganondorf: (sobbing) How do you know? You don't even know who my real daddy is.  
  
Impa: (taken aback) Well... uh... actually, that's right. I don't think anyone knows who your real daddy is.  
  
Ganondorf: (lies down on the bed) It all started when I was born...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
(The Other Risk-é Part Of The Fic)  
  
(flashback! Scene: The Gerudo Fortress. A pregnant Gerudo woman is lying in bed, screaming. A nurse stands next to the bed)  
  
Nurse: Now come on, Charlotte! You need to push!  
  
Charlotte (Ganondorf's Mommy): AAAAAAAHHHH! GODDESSES! LET IT END NOW! LET IT END!  
  
Nurse: Now, don't say that!  
  
Charlotte: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! WHERE IS THAT NO GOOD HUSBAND OF MINE?  
  
(Outside the room in another room of the fortress, pacing around, is Ganondorf's daddy. Unfortunately, a hanging TV set covers his face.)  
  
Ganondorf's Daddy: Oh man! Oh man! Oh man!  
  
Koume: (sitting on the couch, knitting) You need to calm down.  
  
Kotake: That's right! After all, Charlotte is our sister, and you don't see US pacing around and screaming!  
  
Ganondorf's Daddy: (moves out from behind TV, but a Gerudo carrying a large potted plant walks out and covers his face) Oh no! I hope it's a boy! I hope!  
  
(Back inside)  
  
Charlotte: AAAAAAH! AAAAAAH! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUUUUUUUUT!  
  
Nurse: Here it is!  
  
Charlotte: GET THAT %&$%^&* BRAT OUT OF ME!  
  
Nurse: It's a boy!  
  
Baby Ganondorf: (screaming bloody murder) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BABY, VERY WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
(Ganondorf's Daddy and the Twinrova sisters run into the room. A nurse carrying a large bedpan runs by, blocking his face.)  
  
Ganondorf's Daddy: Charlotte, you did it!   
  
Koume: Oh, baby sister! We finally have a niece!  
  
Nurse: No, a nephew!  
  
Kotake: WOW! Our nephew is going to be the King of Thieves!   
  
Both: SWEET!  
  
Ganondorf's Daddy: I'm so proud! I shall call him GANONDORF! It is a proud, Gerudo name!   
  
Nurse: He looks very healthy.   
  
Ganondorf's Daddy: (standing behind a coat rack) So, let's see him.  
  
(He picks up Baby Ganondorf, and screams.)  
  
Ganondorf's Daddy: GOOD GRIEF! He's hideous!  
  
Koume: Look, Kotake! He has our mother's skin color!  
  
Kotake: He's so cute!  
  
(Ganondorf's Daddy throws the baby back onto his mother's lap.)  
  
Charlotte: (weakly) Come on, hold your son!  
  
Ganondorf's Daddy: I HAVE NO SON!  
  
(He stomps out of the room.)  
  
Charlotte: Oh Harold! (breaks down crying) WAAAAAAAAA!  
  
(Suddenly, Charlotte flat-lines, and the nurse looks down sadly.)  
  
Nurse: I'm sorry... Her acne finally caught up with her.  
  
Koume: You mean...  
  
Kotake: She's... gone?  
  
Nurse: Yes... (suddenly cheerful) Well, he's your son now! Congratulations, invite me to the briss!  
  
(She hands Kotake baby Ganondorf, and runs out of the room.)  
  
(Koume and Kotake stare at each other blankly.)  
  
Koume: Um... Kootchy-kootchy koo?  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
(End of flashback. Ganondorf is sobbing on the bed.)   
  
Impa: Oh pumpkin! You never really knew your daddy, did you?  
  
Ganondorf: (wailing) And it turns out, "Ganondorf" means "Turns Into A Pig Dinosaur Goat Thingy" in Gerudo! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  
  
Impa: Oh, sweetie. Don't worry. I'm here now, everything's going to be OK.   
  
Ganondorf: I know... (sniffle) I'm so glad I met you, Impa.   
  
Impa: Me too, honey.  
  
Ganondorf: I feel safe with you, Impa. You have a gentle touch.  
  
Impa: 17 years of nanny-hood will do that to you.  
  
(He cries for a little while more, and then suddenly sits up, looking perky.)  
  
Ganondorf: (perky) Hey, ya wanna make out?  
  
Impa: (giggles) OK!  
  
(Scene: The next night, downtown. Ganondorf and Impa have decided to go clubbing for a little bit.)  
  
Ganondorf: Boy, it sure is cold out.  
  
Impa: You really don't want to go, do you, sweetie?  
  
Ganondorf: Well... I always thought clubbing and gambling were for SECOND honeymoons.  
  
Impa: Aw, come on! Clubbing is an ancient Sheikah honeymoon tradition!  
  
Ganondorf: SHEIKAH TRADITION?  
  
Impa: Uh huh. For centuries, Sheikah couples have gone clubbing on their honeymoons.  
  
Ganondorf: | Boy, them Sheikahs are pretty wild party animals... |   
  
Impa: This looks like a nice spot! The Koo-Koo Klub!  
  
Ganondorf: (reading sign on door) "Free Drinks For The Ladies! Karaoke Contests Nightly! Fights, Fights, Fights!"  
  
Impa: Wow! What a joint! Let's go, sweetie!  
  
(She grabs him by the arm and drags him into the club. The whole place is filled with couples, dancing, drinking, and in the corner is a small stage for Karaoke)  
  
Ganondorf: I don't like this...  
  
Impa: (grabs a soda from the bar) Oh come on, Ganondorf! You were an Evil King of the World, and you can't handle a nightclub?  
  
Ganondorf: (stammering) Uh, well... uh, no! I can do it! HEY BARTENDER! Gimme a martini!  
  
Bartender: Sorry, bud. We don't serve alcohol.   
  
Ganondorf: Huh? What kind of a bar doesn't serve alcohol?  
  
Bartender: Well ya see, we USED to serve it. But this afternoon, a couple of girls came in and demanded that we put away all of our alcohol for just one night, and serve only non-alcoholic soft drinks.   
  
Ganondorf: OK, I'll have a Pep-  
  
Bartender: NOOOOO! (screams, leaps over bar, and covers Ganondorf's mouth.)   
  
Ganondorf: (mumbling into the Bartender's hand) What did I do?  
  
Bartender: (whispering) If we use brand names for the drinks, we'll have our pants sued off! So, you can't order unless you do not use any brand names.  
  
Impa: Jeez, the authors are already getting sued for so many things in this fic. Why can't they just say the heck with it and let us use brand names?  
  
Bartender: Beats me, they just can't.   
  
Ganondorf: All right, I'll have a... uh... Cola.  
  
Bartender: Good job. Sure thing, coming right up.  
  
(He hands Ganondorf a glass full of brown soda. Ganondorf takes a sip and spits it out immediately)  
  
Ganondorf: (disgusted) PHHOOOOO! YUCK! GROSS! What is that? That's not Cola!  
  
Bartender: Well, we were a little short on money when we had to take all of the alcohol ads down from the bar, so we couldn't afford legal fees if we used the brand name soda's formulas.   
  
Ganondorf: So... you made your own soda?  
  
Bartender: WRONG! We used their soda and mixed stuff in with it! You have a "Sweet N' Low-la Cola Kaboom" right there!  
  
Ganondorf: Uh, that's OK, I'll use the drinking fountain.  
  
Impa: So then, what am I drinking?  
  
Bartender: We call that a "Lemon-Lime Double-Time Cocoa-Blaster Drink-It-Faster Chocolate Mocha Combo Split with Banana Juice".   
  
Impa: (gags and spits a mouthful of soda, spraying Ganondorf) EW! Banana Juice in Lemon-Lime? That is SICK!   
  
Ganondorf: "Ancient Sheikah Tradition", huh?   
  
Impa: (grumbles) Well, we can dance.   
  
Ganondorf: Good idea.  
  
(They walk out on the dance floor. "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gainer is playing)  
  
Impa: Come on, big boy. Show me what you got.  
  
Ganondorf: I'm really not a good dancer, Impa...  
  
Impa: Oh, come on!  
  
Ganondorf: Well, OK.   
  
(He hops out on the floor and starts doing the disco. He hits the ground and break dances, then hops up and starts screaming out the words as he shakes his groove thing)  
  
Ganondorf: I'M STAYIN' ALIVE! I WILL SURVIVE!  
  
Impa: (gasps) You're incredible!  
  
(He continues for about five more seconds, and the song starts to fade.)  
  
Ganondorf: Aw, man! They messed up my groove!   
  
(A bar-worker comes out and speaks into a microphone just as the song ends)   
  
Announcer: Hey all you Cool Cats out there, grab your Lucky Ladies and hike it out to the dance floor, cause it's time for the nightly "Dance-O-Rama Call-Yer-Mama Shake-Yer-Groove-Thang Mania" dance contest! The best dancing couple will win a fabulous mystery prize! So, get movin', and the prize patrol will search for the pair who are groovin'!   
  
("Zoot Suit Riot" by the Cherry Poppin' Daddies plays)  
  
Ganondorf: May I have this dance?  
  
Impa: Certain- AAAAAAAAAH!  
  
(Ganondorf grabs her, and swings her wildly into his arms.)  
  
Impa: OW! I cracked my neck!  
  
Ganondorf: Sorry, dear.   
  
Impa: (looks around) Wow, there are a lot of people here. And they're all dancing better than us!  
  
Ganondorf: I can fix that. Oh, but before we do...  
  
Impa: What?  
  
Ganondorf: You might need this.   
  
(He pulls a neck brace out of his pocket)  
  
Impa: No way! I wanna win!  
  
Ganondorf: If you say so...  
  
Impa: I'm not a wuss, baby. I can take a little punish-MEEEEEEEEEENT! AAAAAAHHHHH!  
  
(Ganondorf swings her around, then flips her up into the air)  
  
Impa: YOU PSYCHO!  
  
Ganondorf: Aw, come on Impa! We'll never win with that attitude!  
  
Impa: (looks sly) Hmm... well, OK.  
  
(She grabs him, swings him around, and flips him up into the air.)  
  
Ganondorf: That's the spi-RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!  
  
(The other dancers stop to watch the couple who appear to be having the most fun. Kafei and Anju have showed up on the dance floor, visiting a club on THEIR honeymoon.)  
  
Anju: Oh Kafei! You really know how to shake me up!  
  
Kafei: GO DADDY!  
  
(He flips her around, and they suddenly hear screaming nearby)  
  
Anju: What is that?  
  
Kafei: I think it's...  
  
(Impa, who is flying through the air, knocks into Kafei and sends him and Anju flying across the room just as Ganondorf catches her)  
  
Both: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!  
  
Ganondorf: HAHA! Take THAT if you think you dance better than the Dragmires!  
  
(Honey and Darling make an appearance, both wearing flashy disco suits)  
  
Honey: Come on, Darling! Let's kick their butts!  
  
Darling: And we'll win while doing it too!  
  
(they start dancing, and Ganondorf sees them)  
  
Ganondorf: Oh, so you think you're all high and mighty? Well take THIS!  
  
(He catches Impa, grabs both her hands, and swings her across the floor. Her left and right feet catch Honey and Darling in the head, knocking them both unconscious)  
  
Impa: Oh Ganny-Poo! You dance divinely! And you're so mean while doing it, too! Tee hee!  
  
Announcer: Wow! I've never seen such reckless disregard for every other couple on the dance floor in all my life! The winners are... Ganondorf and Impa Dragmire!  
  
Everyone Else: (unexcitedly) Yay.  
  
Ganondorf: YEAH! Uh-huh! We're cool!   
  
Impa: What's the prize?  
  
Announcer: The prize is 2,385.83 Rupees! And a free limo ride to and from anywhere in the city!  
  
Ganondorf: All right!   
  
Impa: Great job, sweetie!   
  
Ganondorf: So, what do you wanna do now?  
  
Impa: Hey, I got an idea! Let's use our gift certificate to Chez Fan-Cé-Pants tonight, and we can use the limo ride to get there!  
  
Ganondorf: Great idea! Let's head back to the room so we can change into something nicer.  
  
Impa: Sounds good.   
  
Bartender: Hey, that was great! You guys want a free pair of "Kiwi-Mimi-Grape-Surprise Sugar-sugar Shimmy Give a dog a Bone Named Jimmy"s?   
  
Impa: (turns green) Uh, no thanks.  
  
Ganondorf: (is already green, whispering) Come on, let's get outta here!  
  
(As they are running out the door, they are stopped by Kafei and Darling, who are standing in the door way looking angry)  
  
Kafei: Hey pal, you got a lot of nerve pushing us around like that!  
  
Darling: My beautiful Honey was almost crushed by a bar table!   
  
Ganondorf: Beautiful? My Impa is more beautiful than both of your girls put together!  
  
Kafei: WHAT? Anju would win a beauty contest against that old silver-haired bat any day!  
  
Ganondorf: BAT? BAT? My Impa is not a bat! She is the most beautiful and kind woman in the world, because she married a loser like me!  
  
Darling: My Honey could beat both of your girls any day!  
  
Ganondorf: Hardly likely. Compared to my Impy-Wuvvy, your girls look like rotting pond scum.  
  
Kafei and Darling: POND SCUM?  
  
Darling: Do you wanna start something?  
  
Ganondorf: I think I do!   
  
Impa: Oh no, not again!  
  
Anju: Those boys! I don't understand them!  
  
Honey: They are SO overprotective.   
  
Ganondorf: (singing) Pond scum, pond scum, Honey and Anju are pond scum...  
  
Kafei and Darling: THAT'S IT!   
  
(The two boys leap on Ganondorf, sending him to the ground.)  
  
Ganondorf: (being beaten to a bloody pulp) NO! OW! OW! I WAS KIDDING! OW! OW! NO, DON'T PUNCH ME! OW! OW! I'M A HEMOPHILIAC! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!  
  
(Scene: Outside the hotel. The pair is waiting for their limo to come pick them up. Ganondorf is wearing a black suit and bow tie with a black eye to match, and Impa is wearing a purple and black evening gown.)  
  
Ganondorf: They should be here already!  
  
Impa: Be patient, honey. We can look at the stars.   
  
Ganondorf: I can't wait for dinner! I love fancy restaurants like the one we're going to.  
  
Impa: Did your nose stop bleeding?   
  
Ganondorf: I think it did. Finally!  
  
Impa: I never knew you were a hemophiliac*. Why didn't you tell me?   
  
Ganondorf: I don't know. I guess it was that you kinda expect your Evil King to be a tough fighter, not an anemic wimp.  
  
{A/N: * A Hemophiliac is a medical term for people whose blood doesn't clot easily.}   
  
Impa: I don't expect you to be anything you don't want to be, especially an Evil King. All I want you to be is my loving husband.  
  
Ganondorf: Aw, that's sweet, Impa.   
  
Impa: No, really. I think that you were forced into your career as an Evil King. What did you want to be when you grew up?  
  
Ganondorf: I always wanted to be... a pastry chef...  
  
Impa: A pastry chef?   
  
Ganondorf: Yeah, you know! The guys who decorate the donuts at the bakery? Who do the icing on the cakes?   
  
Impa: That's a great job! Why don't you look into it?  
  
Ganondorf: Na, I like being a King. Not really an Evil one anymore, but still.   
  
(He strikes a pose, and says in a low voice,)  
  
Ganondorf: Hail to the King, Baby!   
  
Impa: That's great! (giggles) Hey, here comes the limo!  
  
(The limo pulls up, and Ganondorf helps Impa into the back. Then he gets in and shuts the door)  
  
Driver: (through an intercom) Hello, and Welcome to Maui Limo Rentals! Where will I be driving you tonight?  
  
Impa: To Chez Fan-Cé-Pants, please.  
  
Driver: Uh... are you sure?  
  
Ganondorf: Yes we're sure!  
  
Impa: And take your time!   
  
Driver: Well... uh, OK.   
  
(The limo starts moving.)   
  
Ganondorf: Hey, this is nice!   
  
Impa: Ooh, Leather! It's really nice!  
  
Driver: OK, we're here!  
  
Ganondorf: (sits up) WHAT?   
  
Driver: You didn't hear? I said, "OK, we're here!"   
  
Impa: Huh? How did we get here so fast?  
  
Ganondorf: No way! We can't possibly...  
  
(He opens the door and sees the huge fancy restaurant, one block away from the hotel.)  
  
Ganondorf: D'OH!   
  
Impa: Uh, well... it's OK, we can use the ride back and go for a cruise around town.  
  
Ganondorf: (grumbling) Oh, OK.  
  
Driver: Have fun you two!   
  
(They get out of the limo and Ganondorf escorts Impa inside the restaurant and up to the reservation desk.)  
  
Guy At reservation Desk: Allo, welcome to Chez Fan-Cé-Pants! I am Fa'la-fel, your Maitre d'! Do you have a reservation?  
  
Ganondorf: Yes, we got a gift certificate for our honeymoon.  
  
Fa'la-fel: Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Dragmire! Congratulations on your decision to tie zee knot! We have a table all ready for you!  
  
(Fa'la-fel leads them to a small table for two, with candles and lots of forks, and a beautiful view of the city lights)  
  
Impa: Oh Ganondorf! What a beautiful view!   
  
Ganondorf: This will do nicely, Falafel.  
  
Fa'la-fel: Uh, no. It's pronounced Fa'la-fel.   
  
Ganondorf: OK, Falafel. Thank you!   
  
(They sit down, and Fa'la-fel stands there for a little while.)  
  
Ganondorf: AHEM!  
  
Fa'la-fel: What?  
  
Ganondorf: Falafel, I believe as a Maitre d', your job is to seat us.   
  
Fa'la-fel: Oui? And it's Fa'la-fel.   
  
Ganondorf: So SHOVE OFF!   
  
Fa'la-fel: Oh, right.   
  
(He runs off)   
  
Impa: Wow, this is a nice restaurant!  
  
Ganondorf: We'll see when the food comes out.  
  
(A waiter walks up to the table and bows)   
  
Waiter: Allo, I am Garcon, your waiter. Can I get you some drinks?  
  
Impa: A bottle of your finest champagne, please.  
  
Garcon: Oh! But Madame! I am so sorry! We were forced by two little girls to put all of our alcohol away just for tonight!  
  
Ganondorf: But... it's not a honeymoon dinner without champagne!  
  
Garcon: I am so sorry, Monsieur.   
  
Impa: Please don't say you made your own...  
  
Garcon: Alas! We have sparkling grape juice instead of champagne tonight!  
  
Ganondorf: Thank goodness.  
  
(Garcon disappears and shows up a little later with a bottle of sparkling grape juice.)  
  
Garcon: Here you are Monsieur, Madame. Now, can I get you some appetizers?  
  
Ganondorf: Hey, the Rocky Mountain Oysters sound good!   
  
Impa: (chokes on her wine) WHAT?   
  
Ganondorf: It says right here, "Rocky Mountain Oysters. Served with tomato catsup." And even though it's spelled "ketchup", they sound good to me!  
  
Impa: (whispering) Sweetie, do you know what Rocky Mountain Oysters are?  
  
Ganondorf: (innocently) No, what?  
  
(She leans over and whispers in his ear)  
  
Ganondorf: EWWWW! NO! GROSS! SICK! BLEEECH! AAAHHH! No, X that! X that! I don't want the Rocky Mountain Oysters!  
  
Garcon: As you wish, Monsieur. Any appetizers for you at all?  
  
Impa: The coconut fried shrimp, please.  
  
Garcon: Oui, oui! Is that all?   
  
Impa: That's all for now. Thank you, Garcon.   
  
(He walks away and Ganondorf sighs)   
  
Ganondorf: So they really aren't oysters?  
  
Impa: No, they're not.   
  
Ganondorf: I can't believe I almost ordered that! EW!  
  
(A little while later, the shrimp arrives)  
  
Impa: MM-MM! I love shrimp!   
  
(She picks up a piece and sticks the whole thing in her mouth)  
  
Impa: (chewing loud, spraying food) MM-MM! YUM! Good stuff!  
  
(Garcon and Ganondorf are staring)  
  
Impa: What?  
  
Garcon: (tries not to gag) And now Monsieur, Madame. What would you like for your entrees?   
  
Impa: I'll have the lobster, please.  
  
Ganondorf: And I'll have the Escargot du Framage!   
  
Impa: (chokes on her shrimp) What?  
  
Ganondorf: Escargot du Framage. You know, it says "Lightly buttered escargot with a delicate cheese sauce"? That sounds good. I want it.  
  
(Impa leans over and whispers in his ear)  
  
Ganondorf: EWWW! Um, whoops. I mean, I'll have the lobster too.   
  
Garcon: Oui. And you Monsieur, as a honeymoon couple, are entitled to one free French/English dictionary.   
  
(He pulls one out of his pocket, and hands it to him.)  
  
Ganondorf: Oh, thanks.  
  
Impa: Well, there we go. Thank you, Garcon. And for the French/English dictionary.  
  
Ganondorf: (attempting to read French) Murky, bow-coop!  
  
Impa: That's "merci, beaucoup."  
  
Ganondorf: Yeah, that too.  
  
(Garcon runs off)   
  
Ganondorf: He's certainly nice!   
  
Impa: From now on, you'd better let me read the menu for you.  
  
Ganondorf: OK, sounds good to me.  
  
(Later, the couple is eating their entrees.)  
  
Impa: This lobster is great! It's so sweet and tender!  
  
Ganondorf: Really? Mine is crunchy.  
  
Impa: (looks over at him questioningly, then sees what he's doing) ULP! Uh, Ganondorf?   
  
Ganondorf: Yes?  
  
Impa: You've never had seafood before, have you?  
  
Ganondorf: No. Why?  
  
Impa: Because you don't eat the shell of the lobster. You treat it like a chicken bone.  
  
Ganondorf: Huh?  
  
Impa: (eyes widen) Oh my Goddess. You EAT chicken bones?  
  
Ganondorf: Why, don't you?  
  
Impa: I'll be right back.  
  
(She runs outside the restaurant, and brings back a really thick book)  
  
Ganondorf: "Etiquette For The Uncivilized Pig".   
  
Impa: Ignore the title hon, it's the only one they had left at the hotel bookstore.  
  
Ganondorf: Thank you, sweetie! I'll treasure it always!  
  
Impa: (sweetly) You're welcome.  
  
(Later, Ganondorf has finally learned how to eat, and it is time for dessert)  
  
Impa: I would like the cheesecake, Garcon.  
  
Ganondorf: Me too. (dreamily) We can eat a pair of cheesecakes because we are a pair of lovebirds...  
  
Impa: Oh Ganondorf!   
  
(They start passionately making out, and Garcon sits there for a few seconds.)  
  
Garcon: Excuse moi, but could you two please save it for somewhere where people are NOT eating?  
  
(They ignore him)  
  
Garcon: (yelling to someone in another room) PIERRE! BRING THE CROWBAR!  
  
(Another waiter delivers a crowbar, and Pierre tries to pry them apart)  
  
Garcon: No, no! You must do it like this!  
  
(He bonks Ganondorf over the head, knocking him unconscious.)  
  
Impa: AAH! You killed my husband!  
  
Pierre: No we didn't! This crowbar is set on "Knock Out Cold", not "Kick The Bucket".   
  
Impa: Oh. (she kicks him) GANNY-POO! WAKE UP!  
  
Ganondorf: (sits up, groggy) Hi, this is Ganondorf! Please leave a message after the beep! BEEEEEP!  
  
Impa: I can handle it. (leans over, speaks in a soft voice) Ganondorf sweetie, wake up! We're at Grandma's!   
  
Ganondorf: (opens his eyes) Oh, hi Grandma! (regains senses) Huh? What happened? Did your kissing knock me out?  
  
Impa: I think so, dearest. Our cheesecake is here!  
  
Ganondorf: Oh, good.   
  
(The waiter sets two plates of cheesecake in front of them, and they pick up two forks.)  
  
Ganondorf: Impy-Wuvvy, are you thinking what I'm thinking?  
  
Impa: I think so, Ganny-Poo...  
  
(They both load a forkful of cheesecake, and then feed each other)  
  
Garcon: LE PUKE!   
  
Pierre: LE PUKE!  
  
Other Diners: LE PUKE!  
  
Impa: Oh, come on! We did it at the wedding, we can do it on the honeymoon!  
  
Ganondorf: Yeah, mind your own business!  
  
Everyone Else: Sorry...  
  
(BLEAH! Well, skipping that part, let's move on to about five minutes later)  
  
Ganondorf: Oh, that was good! I'm stuffed!   
  
Impa: And we don't have to wait for the bill, because dinner was free!  
  
(They stand up and start to put on their coats, when Garcon shows up with a dish of candy)  
  
Garcon: Ah Madame, Monsieur! You can't leave yet! You MUST try one of our special handmade after-dinner mints! It's our own special recipe!  
  
Ganondorf: Oh, I LOVE mints!  
  
Impa: Me too! Let's try some!  
  
(They both take a mint, and eat it)  
  
Ganondorf: Wow, that WAS a good mint! My mouth feels so clean, and my pallet is cleansed!  
  
Impa: Yes, that was the perfect end to a perfect meal!  
  
Garcon: (yelling to the chef) Hey Jean-Claude! These people love your new Kumquats N' Crème de Menthe mints!   
  
Impa: (suddenly turns pale) KUMQUATS?  
  
Garcon: Oui, we mix Kumquats in with the Crème de Menthe and they give it a nice texture!  
  
Ganondorf: What's wrong, Impa?  
  
Impa: I'm allergic to kumquats! DEADLY allergic to kumquats!  
  
Ganondorf: Huh? AAAAAAHHHHH! IMPA! YOU ARE GETTING HIVES ON YOUR FACE!  
  
Impa: OH MY GODDESS! SOMEONE CALL THE HOSPITAL!  
  
(Ganondorf pulls out his cell phone and dials 911)  
  
Operator: 911, what's your emergency?  
  
Ganondorf: My wife just ate a kumquat after dinner mint, and she's DEADLY allergic to kumquats!  
  
Operator: Where are you?  
  
Ganondorf: I'm at Chez Fan-Cé-Pants! HURRY!  
  
Impa: (dazed) Oh wow! I've never seen spots THAT color!   
  
(She falls over)  
  
Ganondorf: OH MY GODDESS! IMPAAAAAAAAA! NOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Operator: Sir, I'm sorry. All of our ambulances are currently on duty. We will send one out as soon as it returns.  
  
Ganondorf: We don't have time! She just collapsed!  
  
Operator: Unless, of course, you could get her to the hospital...  
  
Ganondorf: That's it!  
  
(Scene: Outside. Ganondorf kicks open the door of the restaurant, and carries his beloved Impa outside to the limo)  
  
Driver: Oh hello sir! Where will it be now?  
  
Ganondorf: To the hospital, and QUICK!   
  
Driver: Yes sir!  
  
(He pulls a siren out of his glove compartment and sticks it on the roof. Then, the opens the door, and Ganondorf jumps in)  
  
Ganondorf: STEP ON IT!  
  
Impa: (dazed) I see skies of blue! Clouds of white! Blah blah blah blaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh... aaaaaaaaaahhhhlalalalaaaaaa...  
  
Ganondorf: Hold on sweetie! We'll be to the hospital in no time!  
  
Impa: OK, Mr. President...  
  
(Five minutes later, they reach the hospital and Impa is brought in on a stretcher)  
  
Medic 1: We need 300 CC iodine, STAT!  
  
Medic 2: Right away, doctor!  
  
Ganondorf: My Goddess! Impa! Impa, can you hear me?  
  
Impa: (mumbling)  
  
Ganondorf: What?  
  
Impa: (delirious) I DON'T HAVE YOUR MONKEY, YOU TELETUBBY POOP!  
  
Ganondorf: (screaming) Doctor! Oh Goddesses, Doctor! Say she'll be all right! We just got married last week!  
  
Medic 1: We're working on it, Mr. Dragmire!  
  
Medic 3: Doctor, shall I get the Kumquat Reversal Solution?  
  
Medic 1: Yes, and hurry! We need to go in!  
  
Ganondorf: SAVE HER! SAAAAVE HER!   
  
Medic 2: Mr. Dragmire, we ask that you please stay outside of the ER.   
  
Ganondorf: But she's my WIFE!  
  
(They disappear behind two double doors, and Ganondorf listens to what's going on)  
  
Medic 1: She's going down!  
  
Ganondorf: NOOOOOOO!   
  
Medic 2: NO! NO! PULL UP!  
  
Medic 3: OH GODDESSES! THE HUMANITY!   
  
(Ganondorf shoves open the door to see all three medics watching "World's Biggest Plane Accidents" on TV, while Impa lies passed out on the stretcher)  
  
Ganondorf: HELLOOOO? Could we work on saving my wife, here?  
  
Medic 4: (from another room) But siw, I thought it was your bewoved wife who needed medicaw hewp!   
  
Ganondorf: (scowling to camera) That joke was so corny, you'd think we were in a comedy here.  
  
GG: (voice from offscreen) Well DUH!  
  
Zel: (voice) What do you think we are, romance authors?  
  
Both: (cracking up)  
  
Ganondorf: I don't think it's funny!  
  
Both: Oh, sorry.  
  
Medic 1: Hey yeah! This guy is right! Maybe we would save more patients if we DIDN'T watch TV in the middle of their operations!  
  
Medic 2: Wow! Who knew?  
  
(The medics move over and start administering the Kumquat Reversal Solution. Slowly, the pulse goes up, and she opens her eyes)  
  
Impa: G-G-Ganondorf? Is that you?  
  
Ganondorf: Impa! Impa my darling! You're alive!  
  
Impa: What happened?  
  
(Suddenly, the monitor beeps, and Impa flat lines)  
  
Ganondorf: (gasps) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(He faints, and Impa sits up.)  
  
Impa: GANONDORF! MY DARLING! I DON'T WANT TO LEEEEEEAVE YOU! (she faints)  
  
Medic 3: Whoops, well would ya look at that? I tripped over the monitor wire, and I pulled it out of its socket! Hey, she didn't really flat line at all! She's made a perfect recovery! That's kind of funny! I accidentally unplugged the monitor, and both of them passed out because he thought that his wife had died and she thought that she had died! AAAHAHAHAHAAA! Isn't that funny? Just a little? Guys, hey guys! Why isn't anyone listening to me? Hey, isn't it even funny at all?  
  
Medic 1: Yeah, Joey, it's a real gas.   
  
Medic 2: Hey, that actually IS funny!  
  
(The medics all start laughing)  
  
Medic 3: AAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAA... hey, wait a minute!   
  
TO BE CONTINUED IN THE ULTRA-CLEAN HONEYMOON CHAPTER! PART TWO! COMING SOON!  
  
  
OK, I bet I confused you a little there with the restaurant. "Escargot" is the French word for snail, in case you didn't know, and Rocky Mountain Oysters... Well, uh... If I told you what those are, this fic would go from PG-13 to R. So, if you really, REALLY want to know what Rocky Mountain Oysters are, email me...   
  
UH yeah... hahahaa... cool.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. The Ultra Clean Honeymoon Chapter! Part ...

  
  
So I married an Evil King?   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
By Sailor Zel and Galaxy Girl   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
The Ultra Clean Honeymoon Chapter: Part Two  
  
Hello! We're back again! Oh well, since GG's in Florida, Sailor Zel is   
writing chapter 4! So enjoy and review! Thank you!   
  
As usual, |......| = a character's thoughts.  
  
Disclaimer: Wonderful people own TLOZ games, we are not some of them but if   
we could we'd buy it from 'em!   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
Narrator: Gannondorf sighed and walked out onto the balcony. The sun was   
shining, the tropical birds were singing, and Impa was unconscious. She   
hadn't quite recovered from her allergic reaction the night before.   
  
He glanced down, the pool, it's surface glistening in the morning sun, looked   
very inviting but it was no fun with Impa! Gannondorf groaned and plopped   
down in a chair. The waves breaking on the white sands seemed to be calling   
him.   
  
Waves (a.k.a. the Narrator): Gannondorf! Gannondorf! Come make out with Impa   
in me! You know you want to-   
  
(Suddenly the narrator is attacked but an onslaught of oranges, apricots, and   
bananas all stolen from the breakfast buffet downstairs.)   
  
Narrator: OW!   
  
GG: Ahem! None of that!   
  
Zel: Consider this a warning!   
  
GG: Hey! Wait a minute! What are we doing here!?   
  
Zel: Attacking the narrator with fruit stolen from the breakfast buffet?   
  
GG: No! Not that, aren't I supposed to be in Florida?   
  
Zel: Oh yeah, and I'm supposed to be studying for my finals.   
  
(Suddenly both authors disappear, GG reappears in Florida while Zel reappears   
in her room with her backpack loaded with books, study guides and notes for   
the finals.)   
  
Zel: Oh crap!   
  
Zel's mom: Are you studying for that BIG Science Final exam!   
  
Zel: Yes Mom! (Grumbles, sits down and opens up her science book.)   
  
~~~~~~~~ Back to the story now   
  
Impa: Ganny-poo?   
  
Gannondorf: Imppy-Wuvvy! You're awake!   
  
Impa: My head hurts   
  
Gannondorf: So darling, wanna get some breakfast!   
  
Impa: (looking pale) No...(falls back into the pillows.)   
  
Gannondorf: Oh, ok.   
  
Impa: I'm sorry Ganny-poo.   
  
Gannondorf: It's ok! I'll find something else to do! You just get some rest.   
  
Impa: Ok, good night er, morning.   
  
(Impa rolls over and falls asleep. Gannondorf stands there for a minute then   
realizes he had absolutely no idea what to do with himself.)   
  
A half an hour or so later, give or take ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~   
  
Narrator: (still recovering from bruises caused by fast-moving fruit)   
Gannondorf sat quietly on the beach all by his lonesome. A couple ran by,   
holding hands. Gannondorf looked at the pretty red designs on his towel and   
ignored the couple.   
  
Girl: OH! Honey! This is the best honeymoon ever!   
  
Guy: Yes it is!   
  
(The couple runs off then)   
  
SPLAT!   
  
(The couple trips over a piece of driftwood and fall flat on their faces.)   
  
Gannondorf: This is no fun.   
  
(Suddenly a postman runs up.)   
  
Postman-dude: Are you (pant) Gannondorf (pant) Dragmire?   
  
Gannondorf: Yes, I am.   
  
Postman-dude: I have a (pant) letter for (pant) you.   
  
Gannondorf: Oh really! Where's it from?   
  
Postman-dude: The (pant) postbox   
  
Gannondorf: The Postbox where?   
  
Postman-dude: The (pant) postbox (pant) somewhere! Oh man!   
  
Gannondorf: Yo postman-dude, you okay?   
  
Postman-dude: (moans) must (pant) deliver (pant) letter! Take (pant) it!   
  
(Gannondorf takes the letter from the exhausted postman's hand.)   
  
Gannondorf: Thanks.   
  
Postman-dude: You're (pant) welcome! (passes out from exhaustion and lack of   
oxygen.)   
  
(Gannondorf opens the letter.)   
  
Dear Newly married Dude and Dudette,   
  
I am Mike! And I like, run the Maui Boat Rentals. And we got some wicked cool   
boats, man! They totally kick a$$! So like, come by and like rent one for   
like a week or so. (letter stops for a minute) Whoa! I totally forgot to breathe for a minute   
there! Wow, I almost died! Wanna hear a story about cereal? And   
hotdogs? Oh yeah! So like come by and rent a kick a$$ boat, ok! Cool, man!   
  
~ Mike, proud owner of Maui Boat Rentals for six and a half months  
  
  
  
DUE TO ZEL'S BEING ON VACATION AND GG'S RETURNING FROM BEING ON HER VACATION, THE REST OF THIS CHAPTER OF SO I MARRIED AN EVIL KING WILL BE WRITTEN BY GALAXY GIRL. ALSO, IT WILL INSTITUTE AN ALTERNATE SPELLING THAT WE STILL CAN'T AGREE ON. TRUST ME, YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT PRETTY QUICK.  
  
  
  
Ganondorf: (scratches chin) Saaaaay... A kick a$$ boat, huh? That's not a bad idea... Maybe when Impa gets better tomorrow, we can go to Maui Boat Rentals and rent a kick a$$ boat!   
  
(He smiles and sets the letter down)  
  
Ganondorf: (frowning) Which leaves me with the task of figuring out what I am going to do today.   
  
(Suddenly, he hears someone squealing out the lyrics to "MAN, I Feel Like a Woman" from the hotel activity center)  
  
Ganondorf: Holy peaches and cream, what is that horrible gut-wrenching sound?  
  
(He heads to the activity center to see what it is)  
  
Narrator: Ganondorf made his way to the hotel activity center to find out the source of the terrible noise. To his horror, he found it to be a squeaky voiced teen singing a Shania Twain medley in a (GASP! DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN...) AMATEUR KARAOKE CONTEST!  
  
Squeaky Voiced Teen: (singing terribly) OOO-OH OH OHHHHH, totally crazy! I forget I'm a lay-day! Men's shirts, short skirts... OOO-OH OH OHHHHHH, really go wild, yeah you in... uh... something, blaaah!   
  
Ganondorf: Good grief, that is the most horrible thing I have ever heard!   
  
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Hey, if you don't like it Mister, you do better! Uh, where was I? Oh yeah... COME ON OVER, COME ON IN! Pull up a seat, take a load off yer feet!   
  
Ganondorf: All right you little punk, I WILL do better! I WILL sing better than you and win myself that mystery grand prize! I'll do it for my fallen bride Impa, who is upstairs recuperating from her horrible kumquat encounter that nearly cost her her life!   
  
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Aw man, you threw off my groove!  
  
Ganondorf: Ah, bite me! I'll be back in five minutes, with my ACT!  
  
Narrator: So, the lonely and angry Evil King raced back to his hotel room to find his costume and CD in order to take on the squeaky voiced teen in the ultimate battle: KARAOKE!   
  
Ganondorf: Let's see... this will do nicely...  
  
Impa: Ganny-Poo? What are you doing here?  
  
Narrator: Suddenly, Impa woke up!  
  
GG: (voice) Uh, enough with the obvious statements, all right?  
  
Zel: Yeah dude, we're not stupid.  
  
Narrator: Oh, sorry.  
  
Ganondorf: BWAAAA! Uh... Impy-Wuvvy, I thought you were asleep!  
  
Impa: No, I'm up... I feel terrible...  
  
Ganondorf: Aw sweetie, allergy medication will do that to you.  
  
Impa: Not that... (moans) I look terrible!  
  
Ganondorf: No you don't!  
  
Impa: Yes I do! I haven't brushed my hair or put on my make-up, and my clothes are all wrinkled... I'm hideous!  
  
Ganondorf: Oh sweetheart, you'll always be beautiful to me, just as beautiful as that sweet young Sheikah girl I married just last week!  
  
Impa: (sits up) You really think so?  
  
(She sits up in bed to reveal a hideously ugly slightly green face with running eye shadow and mascara, and her old clothes which are wrinkled and mangled)  
  
Ganondorf: (makes a sweet face) | Oh my Goddess... she's hideous! | Yes, you really are beautiful.  
  
Impa: (sighs) It's so wonderful knowing that I have a husband who loves me no matter how ugly I am...  
  
Ganondorf: Yes, well, tomorrow, if you're feeling better, I figured we could go to Maui Boat Rentals and rent a nice boat and go on our own cruise.  
  
Impa: Uh... OK. That sounds nice.  
  
Ganondorf: All right. Well, you just go on back to sleep, and later if you feel better we can order in Thai food.   
  
Impa: Mmmm... I like Thai food...  
  
Ganondorf: You just get some rest, sweet heart. I'll go down to the activity center and play some Pac-Man.   
  
(He sneaks out of the room, just as Impa starts snoring again)  
  
Narrator: Meanwhile, back in the activity center, the poor audience was being subjected to the ultimate horror: A perky blonde singing David Lee Roth's "California Girls"! Er, the perky blonde, not David Lee Roth.   
  
Blonde Girl: (in a cheerleader outfit, squeaky and hyper) I LIKE, WISH THEY ALL COULD LIKE, BE CALIFORNIA GIIIIIRLS! I WIIISH THEY LIKE, ALL COULD BE LIKE, CALIFORNIA GIIIIIRLSSS!  
  
Host: (wakes up, snorts) Huh? Ohhh... OK, let's give a big hand for Jessica Smith!   
  
Jessica: I like, love you all so like, so much!   
  
Host: OK, let's give a big hand for our next contestant, Gan-  
  
Jessica: I'll like, be in like, the lobby so I can like, meet all my like, totally hot guy fans, like, cool, yaaaah, whatever, dude!  
  
Host: Our next host Ganon-  
  
Jessica: I like, am here until like, next week so like, come see me, like, especially if you're like, hot!  
  
Host: I said GIVE A BIG HAND FOR JESSICA SMITH! NOW LEAVE!  
  
Jessica: AS IF! Um, like... BYE?  
  
(She runs off)   
  
Host: Good grief. OK, let's all put our hands together for our next contestant. He comes here all the way from Gerudo Valley, Hyrule, and he enjoys walks in the park, taking over the world, and spending time with his lovely wife Impa Zappa Dragmire. They're here on their HONEYMOON!  
  
Audience: Yay.  
  
Host: Let's put our hands together for Ganondorf Dragmire!  
  
(Everyone claps. Ganondorf comes out wearing a tough, biker-looking outfit and a red bandana.)  
  
Ganondorf: (looking tough) Yaaaaah, I'm here to get a prize for my sweetheart! Yaaah, get ready to rock everyone!   
  
Audience: Yay.  
  
Ganondorf: OK, here we go...   
  
(Heavy guitar chords open up the song, and suddenly, the music slows down and turns to a soft 70's rock song. Ganondorf pulls a slide-show screen out of the back room and sets up a projector. He turns on the first slide, a picture of Impa while she was asleep one night)  
  
Ganondorf: I wanna tell you a story about my favorite little gal in the world! She's my beauty, my darling, my dear sweet beloved wife, IMPA ZAPPA DRAGMIRE!   
  
(He dances for a minute, then changes the slide to a picture of Impa on the BBD show, singing on a stage)  
  
Ganondorf: (To the tune of Edison Lighthouse's "Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes")  
  
She ain't got no money  
Her clothes are kinda funny  
Her hair is kinda wild and free!  
  
(The slide changes to a picture of Impa beating up Ganondorf)  
  
Ganondorf:   
Oh, but   
Love grows where Impa Zappa goes!  
And nobody knows... like me!  
  
(A pic of Impa and Ganon on their first date)  
  
She talks kinda lazy  
And people say she's crazy  
And her life's a mystery...  
  
Oh But  
Love grows where Impa Zappa goes!  
And nobody knows... like me!  
  
(A lovely picture of the happy couple running away from Hyrule Home for the Constitutionally Challenged)  
  
There's something about her hand over mine  
It's a feeling that's fine  
And I just gotta say!  
She's really got a magical spell  
And it's working so well  
That I can't get away!  
  
(Pic of Impa and Ganondorf kissing at their wedding)  
  
I'm a lucky feller  
And I just gotta tell her  
That I love her endlessly!  
  
(Pic of Ganondorf and Impa dancing at the reception)  
  
Because  
Love grows where Impa Zappa goes!  
And nobody knows... like me!  
  
(He starts shaking his butt and singing very loudly. The picture changes to a wedding picture of the couple and the wedding party)  
  
There's something about her hand over mine!  
It's a feeling that's fine!  
And I just gotta say!  
She's really got a magical spell  
And it's working so well  
That I can't get away!  
  
(Pic flips to Impa zonked out on the couch the night after the wedding)  
  
I'm a lucky feller   
And I just gotta tell her  
That I love her endlessly!  
  
(He changes the picture to Impa and him riding off into the sunset on their honeymoon camel)  
  
Because  
LOOOOVE GROWS where Impa Zappa goes!  
And nobody KNOOOOOOOOOOOOWS... Like MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
(The song fades out as Ganondorf ends his show in a fabulous display of dance, song, and a pair of sparklers in his hands)  
  
LOVE KEEPS GROWING EVERY PLACE SHE'S BEEN!  
AND NOBODY KNOWS LIKE ME!  
IF YOU'VE MET HER YOU WILL NEVER FORGET HER  
AND NOBODY KNOWS LIKE ME!  
  
(The slide turns to a picture of Impa with scribbly pink crayon hearts drawn on it.)  
  
Ganondorf: I love you, Impa Zappa Dragmire!  
  
(Everyone bursts into cheers and applause, and Ganondorf takes a bunch of bows)  
  
Ganondorf: Thank you, and thank you, and thank you, and thank you over there in the corner, and thank you...  
  
(The audience crowds the stage. An old woman and an old man come stand next to Ganondorf)  
  
Old Lady: Sonny, that was the most beautiful crappy Karaoke performance ever!   
  
Old Man: It reminds me of when Agnes and I were young like you...  
  
Old Lady: And wildly in love like you... not hardly putting up with each other like so many people these days.  
  
Ganondorf: I'm not that young. I'm 35.   
  
Old Lady: It was beautiful. Where is this young lady of yours?  
  
Old Man: We want to tell her that she has found the sweetest guy in the world!  
  
Ganondorf: Thanks... but she's up in our room unconscious right now, because she ate a dinner mint with kumquats, and she's really allergic to kumquats. I wish she could have heard me!  
  
Impa: GANNY-POO!  
  
Ganondorf: Huh?  
  
(He turns to see Impa standing in the doorway, looking good as new)  
  
Impa: Ganondorf! That was beautiful!  
  
Ganondorf: But sweetheart... how did you get up out of bed, walk out to the elevator, travel down 70 floors to the lobby, hobble across the hot sand on the beach, make your way to the activity center, and stand in the doorway to watch my performance when you are so deadly ill?  
  
Impa: I felt better once I took my medicine.  
  
Ganondorf: You didn't take your medicine until five seconds ago?  
  
Impa: Uh... anyway, I wanted to see where you were going. So I came here, and watched that beautiful tribute to me!  
  
Ganondorf: You liked it?  
  
Impa: LIKED IT? I've never been so happy to have a man sacrifice himself upon the altar of dignity in front of me to show everyone how much he loves me!  
  
Ganondorf: (puzzled) It's happened before?  
  
Impa: Uh... no, but still, it was gorgeous!  
  
Ganondorf: I'm glad you liked it. These leather pants are chafing my...  
  
(He is smacked in the head by a microphone on a wire. He turns to see GG and Zel standing there, frowning)  
  
Ganondorf: OWWWW! I was going to say heiny!  
  
GG: Oh, sure. We haven't heard that one before.   
  
Zel: Watch the slang words, buster!   
  
GG: Oh, and also...  
  
(Both of them break down crying)  
  
Zel: THAT WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING WE'VE EVER SEEN!  
  
GG: THAT WAS SO SWEET! SWEETER THAN PATRICK VERONA SINGING "TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE" TO KAT STRATFORD IN FRONT OF HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE IN "10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU"!   
  
Zel: I WISH HEATH LEDGER WOULD DO THAT FOR ME!  
  
GG: ME TOO!   
  
Zel: It was gorgeous!  
  
GG: Spectacular!  
  
Zel: Magnificent!  
  
GG: Exquisite!  
  
Zel: Sublime!  
  
GG: Superb!  
  
Zel and GG: THAT WAS WONDERFUL! WAAAAAAA!   
  
Zel: Where's all the guys who do that for ME?  
  
GG: Yeah, or ME?  
  
Zel and GG: WAAAAA!  
  
(They walk away, sobbing into hankies and bemoaning the insensitivity of boys they know. Ganondorf and Impa stare puzzled at each other.)  
  
Impa: That was weird.  
  
Ganondorf: I'll say.  
  
Impa: But still... thank you so much! That was the most beautiful honeymoon gift ever!   
  
Ganondorf: You're welcome.   
  
Impa: Hey, let's go check out those boat rentals! Let's get a sailboat!  
  
Ganondorf: Yeaaah...  
  
Host: Hey wait! Dude! You forgot your prize!  
  
Ganondorf: Oh yeah, what's our prize?  
  
Host: It's none other than... ONE FREE DINNER AT THE CHEZ FAN-CE-PANTS RESTAURANT!  
  
Impa: WHAT? AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!  
  
Host: Uh... what?  
  
Impa: I ate there once, and it was wonderful... until they tried to poison me with their dinner mints!  
  
Ganondorf: Could we exchange it for something?  
  
Host: Sure. Anything in the hotel gift shop.  
  
Impa: That's fine. What do you want, honey?  
  
Ganondorf: Uh... Hmm... I'll think about it. I'll come and pick it up later.  
  
Host: OK then, take this prize claim form, and come back when you want it.   
  
Ganondorf: All righty then... HEY, LET'S GO SEE THE BOATS NOW!  
  
Impa: YEAH!   
  
Narrator: And so, the happy couple's search for honeymoon entertainment brings them to the office of Mike P. Brown, a disgustingly mild-mannered idiot who makes his living renting out boats and beachcombing.  
  
Mike: (snoring)  
  
(Impa and Ganondorf walk into the office)  
  
Impa: Uh... hello? Is anyone here?  
  
Ganondorf: Oh, there he is.   
  
(They walk over and start poking Mike)  
  
Impa: HELLO?   
  
Ganondorf: Hey, wake up, Mister!  
  
Mike: (snorts) Uh... Whoa, dude, I'm awake, I'm awake!   
  
Ganondorf: You must be Mike.  
  
Mike: Uh... yeah dude, that's me, Mike B., Owner of Maui Boat Rentals for six months now, dude.  
  
Impa: We'd like to a rent a boat.  
  
Mike: Dude, that's like cool dude, cause like dude, I rent out boats, and that like means that I'm gonna like get some business, dude!   
  
Ganondorf: Uh... yeah, we know you rent boats.  
  
Impa: That's why we're here.  
  
Mike: Oh dude, cool. Yeah uh... sure, uh... Oh yeah. What kind of boat do you want, dude and dudette?   
  
Ganondorf: A speed boat!  
  
Impa: No way, we want a sailboat!  
  
Mike: Dude, that's like, weird cause I just got in two new speed sail boat! They're like, sail boats with like, a motor on 'em!  
  
Impa: Hey, I want one of those!  
  
Ganondorf: Yeah, a speed sail boat!   
  
Mike: OK dudes, first, before I rent you the like, boat, you like, have to watch this informative like, safety video, dudes.  
  
Impa: Umm... OK, that's fine.  
  
(Mike sets a TV/VCR system on the desk, and slips in a video, which is reinacted here.)  
  
(Cheesy 50's info video music)  
  
Announcer: BOATING AND YOU.   
  
(The screen shows two happy couples heading out in a pair of boats)  
  
Announcer: Say, all you happy people! What are you doing?  
  
Guy 1: Me and my brother Doofus and our girlfriends Donna and Ditzy are going on a nice boat ride!  
  
Donna: Oh Doug, are you ready to get in the boat?  
  
Doug: I sure am, Donna! Here, let me help you in!  
  
Announcer: That brings up a good point, Doug. Gentlemen, always help your ladies into the boat gently.   
  
Doofus: Duh, OK Ditzy! Come on!   
  
Ditzy: OK, Doofus!  
  
(Ditzy attempts to get in the boat, but Doofus pulls her in hard, and she falls in the water)  
  
Ditzy: Oh noooo!  
  
Announcer: Oh Doofus, you're supposed to be nice to your gal!  
  
Doofus: Duh, sorry Ditzy.   
  
(He looks in the water to see that Ditzy is struggling to swim)  
  
Ditzy: EEK!  
  
Announcer: Oh no, you two! Don't you know that you're supposed to fasten your life preservers BEFORE you get near the boat?   
  
Doofus: Oops.  
  
(Donna and Doug fasten their life preservers and Doug helps Donna into the boat)  
  
Doug: Here you go, Donna!  
  
Donna: Oh, thank you Doug!  
  
Doug: It's no problem, Donna! Now, let's just remember to have fun:  
  
Donna and Doug: And play it safe!  
  
Announcer: Good boy, Doug! Now, be very careful, and have fun, you two!  
  
Donna and Doug: Bye!  
  
(They sail away, just as Doofus and Ditzy get in the boat)  
  
Doofus: OK, we're in the boat! Now what do we do?   
  
Announcer: Well, pull in the sheets on the sail and then you're off!  
  
(Ditzy pulls in the sail, and the iron pole on the sailboat comes swinging in, knocking Doofus off the boat)  
  
Doofus: OOF!  
  
Announcer: Oh Ditzy... Tell people to watch out when you are moving the boom!  
  
Ditzy: Oops, sorry!  
  
Announcer: Let's check on Donna and Doug and make sure they're doing OK!  
  
(Donna and Doug are sailing gently. Suddenly, a large, fake looking shark comes out of the lake)  
  
Donna: Oh no! A shark!  
  
Doug: It's OK Donna. This is a freshwater lake. Sharks cannot survive here.  
  
(The shark turns over on its back, and we see a large wooden stick which is holding up the paper shark)  
  
Announcer: Good for you, Doug. It's always good to know the local wildlife!  
  
(The wind begins to pick up, and we see a fan blowing on the water)  
  
Announcer: Uh oh! Looks like the water is getting rough!  
  
Donna: Here Doug, let's make sure our life preservers are tied up tight!  
  
(The fan turns off, and the water calms down)  
  
Doug: Oh good! There now. If there had been an accident, we would have called out each others name to make sure that we were OK, and then we would have flipped the boat back over and continued sailing!  
  
Donna: That's right Doug.   
  
Announcer: Uh oh, looks like Doofus and Ditzy are off in their boat!  
  
Doofus: OH NO! LOOK DITZY, A SHARK!  
  
Ditzy: AAGGGH!  
  
Announcer: Oh dear! If only you two knew not to panic in a boat!  
  
(The boat flips over)  
  
Ditzy: Oh no, my hair!  
  
Doofus: Look Ditzy, a REAL shark!  
  
Ditzy: AAAH! It's a freshwater shark!  
  
Announcer: Now, don't panic, you two! If you panic, the shark is sure to get you!  
  
(The camera turns to Doug and Donna sailing calmly, and then to a paper shark with a scrap of Doofus's shirt hanging out of its mouth)  
  
Announcer: So remember: The next time you go boating, be sure that you have fun, and also:  
  
Doug and Donna: PLAY IT SAFE!  
  
(The tape shorts out. Mike removes it from the VCR)  
  
Mike: OK, did you dudes get all that?  
  
Ganondorf: Yep.  
  
Impa: We'll be good.  
  
Mike: All right, dudes. So, uh, which boat do you want?  
  
Ganondorf: What do we have to pick from?  
  
Mike: Well, there's like, the "BIGGEST PIECE OF CRAP ON THE SEAS" and the "BRAND NEW ULTRA COOL SUPER DUPER GOOD BOAT". Which one do you like, want?  
  
Impa: Uh... can we see the boats?  
  
Ganondorf: We'll take the first one!  
  
Impa: Ganondorf!  
  
Ganondorf: What? I like the name!  
  
Mike: OK dudes, so like, uh, one day's rental of the speed sail boat "BIGGEST PIECE OF CRAP ON THE SEAS" comes to, like... uh, it comes to 50 bucks.  
  
Impa: Um... we only have these.  
  
(She and Ganondorf show him all their Rupees)   
  
Mike: Um... let me like, see.  
  
(He logs onto a small computer to Rupeechanger.com)  
  
Mike: Uh, dude, that'll be like, uh, 5 Rupees.  
  
Ganondorf: Hey, what a great exchange rate!  
  
Impa: That's cool. Here's our 5 Rupees!  
  
Mike: OK dudes, like, let's go out to the dock.  
  
(Scene: The dock. Mike hands Ganondorf and Impa a pair of life jackets)   
  
Mike: OK dudes, let's like come over here, dude and dudette...  
  
(He shows them a brand new beautiful sailboat with a motor on one end.)  
  
Mike: Like, behold the "BIGGEST PIECE OF CRAP ON THE SEAS".  
  
Impa: THAT is the "BIGGEST PIECE OF CRAP ON THE SEAS"? It's gorgeous!  
  
Ganondorf: OK then, where's the "BRAND NEW ULTRA COOL SUPER DUPER NEW BOAT"?  
  
Mike: Like dude, that's my own personal boat and it's like, over there.  
  
(He shows them a tiny ugly sailboat with a broken down motor. The boat is old and moldy, with holes in the bottom.)  
  
Ganondorf: Er... we'll stick with the "BIGGEST PIECE OF CRAP ON THE SEAS".   
  
Impa: Thank you, Mike!  
  
Mike: No like, problem, dudes. Just bring her back when you're done.   
  
(Mike goes back inside to watch "Saved By the Bell" and Ganondorf and Impa put on their life jackets)  
  
Ganondorf: After you, my precious angel!  
  
Impa: Thank you, my big studly man.   
  
(She hops in the boat, and Ganondorf goes in after her)   
  
Ganondorf: Now we'll just put out the sails, and then we'll be set!   
  
(They unlock the sails and drift off towards the center of the bay)  
  
An hour or so later, give or take...  
  
(Scene: The middle of the ocean)  
  
Impa: This is so much fun!  
  
Ganondorf: I know! This is so relaxing!  
  
Impa: Mm... the water is so nice and smooth!  
  
Ganondorf: Hey, are you getting hungry?  
  
Impa: Yes! I'm starved!  
  
Ganondorf: Yeah, me too!   
  
Impa: Let's turn back to the dock. It's almost sunset!  
  
Ganondorf: OK.   
  
(He looks around)   
  
Ganondorf: Uh... where IS the dock?  
  
Impa: It was right over there. That way. Or... or was it that way?   
  
Ganondorf: Uh...  
  
Impa: OH NO! WE'RE LOST!   
  
Ganondorf: No, no, calm down, Impy-Wuvvy, we're not lost!  
  
Impa: Then where's the dock?  
  
Ganondorf: Uh... look Impy, there it is right there!   
  
Impa: Where?  
  
(He points to a sandbar not too far away)  
  
Impa: Oh good! I was really worried there for a second!  
  
(Ganondorf steers the boat over to the sandbar, and they land)  
  
Ganondorf: Uh oh, the boat's stuck in this sand bar!  
  
Impa: Hey, this doesn't look too familiar...  
  
Ganondorf: Uh... maybe I was mistaken... Er...  
  
Impa: WE'RE LOST! AAAAAAAGH, WE'RE LOST! I'M GOING TO DIE A NEWLYWED! NOOOO!  
  
Ganondorf: Impy, calm down! Don't scream! What if there are wild animals here?  
  
Impa: WILD ANIMALS? OOOOOH NOOOOO! GANNY-POO, I'm SCARED!  
  
Ganondorf: Now, now, sweetheart! Don't worry! If we don't find the way back before nightfall, I'll use my superpowers to project an SOS message so they'll know we're here!   
  
Impa: OK... I'm scared!  
  
Ganondorf: Oh, come get a hug, sweetie...  
  
(He gives her a hug)  
  
  
Ganondorf: It's all right, someone will find us!  
  
Impa: Oh Ganny-Poo...  
  
(Suddenly, they hear a rustling in the bushes.)   
  
Impa: Wh-wh-what was that?  
  
Ganondorf: I don't know...  
  
(They hear a big growl, and Ganondorf leaps into Impa's arms Scooby-Doo style)  
  
Impa and Ganondorf: AAAAAAAHHHHH!  
  
(A hairy man walks out of the bushes carrying a small white object)  
  
Man: Oh Wilson... I'm so hungry!  
  
Ganondorf: AAAGH! WHO ARE YOU?  
  
Man: Huh? Visitors! Oh Wilson, we never get visitors here!  
  
Impa: Uh... excuse me? We got lost and now we're stranded on this island. Can you help us?  
  
Man: Oh dear! I'm stuck on this island too, I've been here for 3 and 15/16 years!   
  
Ganondorf: Hey, I know you! You're Tom Hanks!  
  
Man: No I'm not. I'm Chuck! This is my buddy Wilson!  
  
Impa: (whispering in Ganondorf's ear) Weren't they in a movie?  
  
Chuck: (holds Wilson up to his ear) Huh? What's that, Wilson? Wilson wants to know where you came from.  
  
Ganondorf: We're both from Hyrule, but we're staying at the Hotel La Smooché on our honeymoon!   
  
Chuck: Aah... Maui... Well, I don't know what to tell you. I don't know any way off of this island.  
  
Impa: Oh no!  
  
Ganondorf: Oh man... Impa, I... I'm glad we got married, even if we were only married a week.  
  
Impa: Me too!  
  
Chuck: Huh? OK... Wilson also wants to know why you have green skin.  
  
Ganondorf: WHAT?  
  
Impa: Oh Ganny-Poo... I wish we could find the way back!  
  
Ganondorf: Oh Impy-Wuvvy... If I could use my Sage powers to call someone... but they're all the way back in Hyrule!  
  
(They start kissing, and Chuck and Wilson watch them intently.)  
  
Chuck: Hey you guys, get a room! If you're going to...  
  
(A coconut just happens to fall out of a tree and bonk Chuck on the head)  
  
Chuck: OUCH! Uh, oops. I mean, cut it out!   
  
Ganondorf: Let's go for a walk, as long as we're here.   
  
Impa: OK...  
  
An hour or so later, give or take...  
  
Narrator: Ganondorf and Impa went for a long walk along the beach, followed by Chuck and Wilson. Finally, they reached the total other side of the island.  
  
Impa: Oh well. Even if we starve to death on a desert island, at least I'll starve to death on a desert island with you!  
  
Ganondorf: That's so sweet Impa! (singing) Love grows where Impa Zappa goes...  
  
Chuck: Hey uh, guys? Want some coconuts?   
  
Impa: Shut up, we're having a romantic moment!  
  
Ganondorf: Yeah you jerk!  
  
(Impa turns away and looks at the ocean, then screams)  
  
Impa: GANONDORF! LOOK! LAND! LOOK, THERE'S THE BOAT DOCK!  
  
Ganondorf: Impa? OH NO! THE DELERIUM IS SETTING IN!  
  
Impa: Ganondorf, look! There's the boat dock, only 25 yards away from this desert island!  
  
Ganondorf: (screaming) MY DARLING IS LOSING HER MIND! SOON SHE WILL START CHEWING ON ROCKS AND SMACKING HER HEAD INTO TREES! OOOOH NOOO! MY DEAR SWEET BELOVED MUST HAVE BEEN DRIVEN OFF THE EDGE BY THE STRESS OF BEING LOST FOREVER!  
  
Impa: Ganondorf, listen! Look right over there! There's the beach! There's the boat dock! And there's the hotel!  
  
Ganondorf: OH IMPA! OH IMPY-WUVVY! I NEVER SHOULD HAVE CRASHED THE BOAT HERE! WAAAA!  
  
(Impa walks over and smacks him upside the head)  
  
Impa: Ganondorf, look! There's the hotel! And there's the dock!  
  
Ganondorf: Hey, the dock IS right over there! Come on, let's go get the boat and go out for Thai food!  
  
Impa: I LOVE THAI FOOD!  
  
(The ecstatic couple race off to the other side of the island to get their boat, leaving Chuck and Wilson staring at the dock)  
  
Chuck: So you mean to tell me that there was a hotel and a boat dock and a beach and civilization RIGHT OVER THERE THE WHOLE TIME?  
  
(He holds Wilson up to his ear)  
  
Chuck: YOU KNEW? Wilson, you need to tell me these things! AAGGGH!   
  
(He leaps into the water and using Wilson as a flotation device, swims all the way back to shore)   
  
Narrator: That night, Impa and Ganondorf were back in their hotel room. They had just eaten lots and lots of Thai food, and they were playing N64.   
  
Ganondorf: That was the best Thai food I've ever had.  
  
Impa: It was good. I'm getting bored, Ganny-Poo.  
  
Ganondorf: Why?  
  
Impa: Oh, I don't know... we only have two days left on our honeymoon, and then we have to go back home to Hyrule and start the daily rush again.   
  
Ganondorf: Hmmm. I'll tell you what, we need to go do something tonight.  
  
Impa: Like what?  
  
Ganondorf: (opens the hotel's guide to the area) Hmmm... oh, the hotel has a lot of shows down in its dinner theater!  
  
Impa: I didn't know they had a dinner theater! I love dinner theaters!   
  
Ganondorf: Yeah, but which show do you want to see?  
  
Impa: Uh, what is there?  
  
Ganondorf: Let's see... there's "Les Mi-Zelda-Rables, the Cheesy Theater Musical..."  
  
Impa: Ick, no musicals.   
  
Ganondorf: "Earl and Ralph and Their Trained Pigeons"  
  
Impa: Hmmm... pigeons near food? Sounds pretty gross.  
  
Ganondorf: "The Fat Lady and the Thin Man"  
  
Impa: Uh... no.  
  
Ganondorf: "Manny the Magnificent Magician"?  
  
Impa: Hey, a magician... I've always liked magicians.   
  
Ganondorf: Hey, me too. Whaddya say we get dressed and go see Manny at 8:00?  
  
Impa: All right, sure.   
  
Narrator: Five minutes and 10 evening gowns later, Impa and Ganondorf arrive in a small dinner theater.   
  
Impa: Oh, this is so romantic!  
  
Ganondorf: Shh, remember the last time you said that?  
  
Maitre d': Allo... Vilkommen... Welcome, come on in, follow me.   
  
(He leads them to a small table next to the stage)   
  
Maitre d': Have a nice time... enjoy... be happy... lalala... dude...  
  
Ganondorf: These are great seats for the show!   
  
Impa: Yes, they are!   
  
Half an hour or so later, give or take...  
  
Narrator: The happy couple had been served their dinners just as the show was starting.  
  
(Blue mist rises up on stage. A strange looking thin man with a big moustache and turban comes out)  
  
Manny: Allo, greetings. I am the Manny the Magnificent Magician! I hope you all enjoy my amazing magic show I have prepared for you. And for my first trick, I will turn this here handkerchief into a graceful, peaceful dove!  
  
Audience: OOH!  
  
(Manny waves his hands, and thousands of doves fly out of his handkerchief and into the theater)  
  
Audience: AAH!  
  
Random Man: Oh, they're so majestic!  
  
Random Woman: They're so cute!  
  
(Suddenly, the birds become violent and they all start landing on people's heads and attacking them)  
  
Ganondorf: AAAH! AAAAH! GET IT OFF!  
  
Impa: Eww! Eww! Away from my food, you filthy little creature!   
  
Another Random Man: I say Margaret, there is a dove in your hair!   
  
Another Random Woman: AAAGGGH! AAAAGGGH! THE BIRDS!  
  
Al: (The guy from the chapters 2 and 3 who always gets hurt, remember?) Phew... now that I'm in Maui, I don't have to worry about getting hit with Sheikah razor stiletto heels, or flower petals, or anything!  
  
(A dove flies out of no where and crashes into his face, pecking him all over)  
  
Al: AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRAAAAAAAAAGGGGHGHHHHHHH!  
  
Manny: (scratches head) Whoops.   
  
(The panic continues)  
  
Audience: (various cries of pain, cussing)  
  
Manny: Doves, return!  
  
(The doves all disappear)  
  
Audience: PHEW!  
  
(Everyone stands up and claps. They all have messed up hair or new bald spots)  
  
Manny: Thank you very much! Now for this trick, I am going to saw a woman in half!  
  
Audience: WOOOOO!  
  
Manny: May I ask the young lady in the front row with the white hair to please come forward.  
  
Impa: Hey, that's me!  
  
Ganondorf: Huh? What's he gonna do?  
  
Manny: Sir, I am going to saw your wife in half.  
  
Ganondorf: (Grabs Manny by collar) YOU DO AND I'LL...  
  
Impa: Ganondorf, it's OK! It's just a trick! I won't get sawed in half for REAL.   
  
Ganondorf: Oh. OK then! You may resume!  
  
Manny: OOOK... All righty then Madame, what is your name?  
  
Impa: Impa.  
  
Manny: Ah, and where do you and your jumpy husband come from?  
  
Impa: We're from Gerudo Valley, Hyrule!  
  
Manny: Hyrule? Is that in Germany?  
  
Impa: Um, no... it's sorta near Termina.  
  
Manny: Termina? Is that in Cambodia?  
  
Impa: Um, it's... never mind. We're from Kentucky.   
  
Manny: Ah, Kentucky! Well Impa from Kentucky, please step over here to my magic box...  
  
Ganondorf: Now, be careful Impa!   
  
Impa: It's all right, sweetie! I said it's just a trick.   
  
Manny: Now, will my lovely assistant Claire please help Impa into my magic box?   
  
(A lovely assistant helps Impa into the box so only her head and feet are sticking out.)  
  
Manny: Now, please hand me my magic saw! Will someone out of the audience please inspect this?  
  
(An audience member looks at the saw)  
  
Audience Member: It's 100% real stainless steel.  
  
Ganondorf: STEEL? Uh, Excuse me Mr. Manny... but, uh...   
  
Impa: I wouldn't use a metal saw if I were you.  
  
Manny: OH HO HO HO! Then what type of saw am I to use?   
  
(Everyone laughs)  
  
Ganondorf: (stands up) No sir, I have to say that you should find...  
  
Manny: Sit down, Sir. All right, now, I will take the saw over here, and watch in amazement as I saw this woman in half!   
  
(Ganondorf sighs and sits down)   
  
Manny: Now I will set the saw right here in between these boards, and I will move the saw back and forth, and...  
  
(Impa notices her eyes glowing purple)   
  
Impa: Um, no, I have to request that you not touch me with that METAL, CONDUCTIVE saw.   
  
Manny: Madame, please keep quiet, you're ruining the... GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
(Impa's Sage powers cause a bolt of electricity to travel through the saw and electrocute Manny.)  
  
Manny: BLLLLZZZZZZTTTTZTZTZTZTZTZZLLLLZZZT!  
  
(Claire screams and pulls Manny away from Impa. The electricity stops, Manny's hair stands on end, and he falls over unconscious.)  
  
Claire: Oops.   
  
Impa: Double Oops.  
  
Ganondorf: Impa, I told you to be careful!  
  
Impa: I'm sorry, it's not my fault I'm a Sage!   
  
(A woman who looks like Manny in every way steps out onto the stage.)  
  
Manny Look-Alike: Oh dear, my brother never could handle the saw trick.  
  
(She snaps her fingers and a group of stage hands pull Manny off the stage on a gurney.)  
  
Manny Look-Alike: AHEM! I am the Mysterious Martha, Manny's twin sister! Now, I will resume the magic show. Let's all give Impa a big hand.  
  
(Everyone claps, and Impa sits down, inspecting a rip in her shirt)  
  
Impa: That creep cut up my favorite shirt!   
  
Ganondorf: It's all right, sweetie. I'd say a woman's touch is just what this show needs.  
  
Martha: Now I, the mysterious Martha, will use my magic crystal ball to read the future of any person in the audience! Who is going to be my volunteer?  
  
(A woman raises her hand, and Martha brings her up onstage)  
  
Martha: Thank you dear, now what is your name?  
  
Woman: My name is Abby!  
  
Martha: Ah, Abby. Please have a seat by my crystal ball.  
  
(She sits down)  
  
Martha: Ladies and Gentlemen, watch in amazement as I read this woman's future!  
  
Audience: OOH! AAH!  
  
Martha: (looks into crystal ball, looks mysterious) Abby... I predict that... I see a plate!  
  
Abby: A plate?  
  
Martha: Yes, a plate! I see... eating in your future!  
  
Abby: (raises eyebrows) I hope so!  
  
Martha: I see someone giving you a free meal...  
  
Abby: Um...  
  
Martha: Oh look! There is our waiter Marcus with a free entrée for Abby!  
  
Abby: WHAT? What kind of a future reading is that?  
  
(Abby grumbles and sits down)  
  
Martha: Now... for the final trick of the evening... I, using my great powers of magic and mystery, will transform one of the audience members into a pig!  
  
Audience: OOH! AAH!   
  
Martha: You, young man in the front row with the red hair...  
  
Ganondorf: ME?   
  
Martha: Yes you! Come up here with me!  
  
(Ganondorf stumbles onstage)   
  
Martha: What is your name, my green-complexioned friend?  
  
Ganondorf: It's Ganondorf.  
  
Martha: What? Is that German?  
  
Ganondorf: Uh, no. You see, I'm a Gerudo, and I'm from Hyrule, so I...  
  
Martha: Gerudo? Isn't that near Switzerland?  
  
Ganondorf: Uh no, it's not a country, it's a kind of people. I'M a Gerudo, and my name means...  
  
Martha: Hmm... Hyrule... that's kind of by Termina, isn't it?  
  
Ganondorf: YES! And that's...  
  
Martha: Termina... isn't that near Cambodia?  
  
Ganondorf: (sighs) We're from Kentucky, and my name is Ganondorf. Yes, it is German.  
  
Martha: Ah, Ganondorf. All right. Come with me back here to the box of transformation!  
  
Ganondorf: Okie Dokie.  
  
Martha: Now, will my handsome assistant Carl help Ganondorf into the box so I can change him into a pig?  
  
Voice From Audience: TOO LATE!  
  
(Ganondorf looks out in the audience to see Kafei, Anju, Honey, and Darling sitting at a table together and Kafei and Darling are booing Ganondorf.)  
  
Ganondorf: YOU TWO AGAIN? Why I oughtta...   
  
Kafei: Ooh, is little piggy Ganondorf gonna hurt us?  
  
Darling: Ooooh, I'm shaking in my little knee-high lace up boots!  
  
(The two of them start laughing)  
  
Anju: Kafei! Stop it!  
  
Honey: And Darling, I want to see this! Leave him alone!  
  
Ganondorf: Yeah, for once your girlfriends are saying something intelligent!  
  
Kafei: Why I oughtta...  
  
Darling: You'll pay for that, Mister!  
  
Martha: Could I PLEASE get on with the show?  
  
Kafei, Darling and Ganondorf: Sorry...  
  
(Carl grabs Ganondorf and tries to stick him in the box)   
  
Ganondorf: No, wait! Uh, Miss Martha lady, you might want to pick someone else because my name means...  
  
Martha: Less talking, more walking Ganondorf!   
  
Ganondorf: Um... OK, but I think you should know that my name means...  
  
Martha: Ladies and Gentlemen, now, watch as we secure Ganondorf into the box, cover it with a sheet, and watch as I turn our handsome volunteer here into a pig!  
  
Ganondorf: But Martha, I-  
  
(The box is covered with a sheet)  
  
Martha: (looks straight at camera) Silence-O-Sheet. The new product from Wham-O industries shuts up anyone you need to be shut up! Available at all finer retail stores.  
  
Audience: (laughing)  
  
Impa: No, wait! What Ganondorf was trying to say is that his name means...  
  
Martha: Now Ganondorf, can you hear me?  
  
Ganondorf: (mumbling) MMMMMPPHMHMHMMMFMFMFMGMHMMM.  
  
Martha: I want you to think of someone whose name means a lot to you...   
  
Ganondorf: MMHMHMH???  
  
Martha: I only use a volunteer's loved one's name as a magic word. It makes the show more home-like.  
  
Ganondorf: MMMPPHMGGMHMHMHM, MMHGGH MGMHMGFP MEMMGMHMS...  
  
Martha: Ah, Impa! It looks like you're someone who Ganondorf cares about.  
  
Impa: (blushes) I'm very touched, but you can't go on with this, because Ganondorf...  
  
Martha: Impa Kadabra... Impa Kadabra!  
  
Ganondorf: Uh oh!  
  
POOOF!  
  
(Suddenly, a terrible roar sounds from the Box of Transformation, and a pair of scaly green arms holding two giant swords pops out of the side of the box. Everyone screams)  
  
GANON: OOOOH! What happened?  
  
Kafei: OH MY HOLY UNDERWEAR!  
  
Darling: HE DID TURN INTO A PIG!  
  
Kafei and Darling: RUN FOR YOUR FREAKIN' LIVES!  
  
Anju: Kafei, wait for me!  
  
Honey: AAAAGH, Darling, you jerk!  
  
Audience: AAAAAAAHHHH!  
  
(Everyone screams and runs away.  
  
Narrator: Uh, hello there again. If you didn't catch the point of that whole thing, Ganondorf just actually did turn into a pig. He turned into GANON, his creepy pig-lizard-goat-dinosaur thing form.  
  
(GANON pulls the sheet off of his head)  
  
GANON: AAGH! Finally, I can see! (looks down, notices he's gained a few pounds) OH NO!   
  
Impa: (rushes up onstage) Oh Ganny-Poo! I tried to tell them!  
  
Martha: (gasps) That trick... that trick's never worked before! I REALLY AM MAGIC!  
  
(Martha races out of the theater, screaming about how she is magic and how rich she is going to become)  
  
Impa: Oh sweetie, you need to calm down for a second.  
  
GANON: All right, all right... I need to take a few deep breaths... all right buddy... I'm fine... just need to calm down...  
  
Impa: Breathe in, breathe out.  
  
GANON: (takes a few deep breaths, closes his eyes to relax. Then opens them) Aw man! This is going to ruin all of the plans we had for tonight!  
  
(Suddenly, a brick crashes through the window and hits him in the head.)  
  
GANON: OW!  
  
(A note is tied to the brick)  
  
Dear Ganon/dorf and Impa:  
We don't know exactly what you meant by that, but it sounded wrong. Please refrain from saying that again before we have to raise the rating of this story. Or else.  
~ Galaxy Girl and Sailor Zel  
  
Impa: (sighs) OK. Come on sweetie, let's go back to the room.  
  
GANON: Gee, I'm sorry, Impy-Wuvvy. I didn't mean to ruin our evening.  
  
Impa: Oh no honey! I had a wonderful time! It was wonderful!   
  
GANON: Really? Oh, good.  
  
Impa: Come on. Let's go back to the room and watch TV.  
  
(They walk out of the trashed theater into the lobby, where we see Kafei and Darling huddled up under a table. GANON peeks under the table and laughs)  
  
GANON: Ahh... BOO!   
  
Kafei: YAAAAAAAARGH!  
  
Darling: YAAAAAAAAARGH!  
  
(They both scream and run)  
  
Impa: Oh Ganondorf.  
  
GANON: Hey, I'm a big giant pig. I'm gonna have some fun as long as I am.  
  
Narrator: The very next day, it's Ganondorf and Impa's last full day in Maui. So, let's see how everyone's favorite pair will spend their last day of honeymooning.   
  
Impa: (laying on bed. Sighs) Oh Ganny-Poo...  
  
Ganondorf: (leans out of bathroom, brushing teeth) What?  
  
Impa: I am so depressed...  
  
Ganondorf: Why is that?  
  
Impa: GANONDORF! Today is our last full day of honeymooning. We have so many things left to do!  
  
Ganondorf: Oh yeah. Hmm... well, what do you want to do today?  
  
Impa: Well... (pulls a travel magazine out of the desk drawer) It says that there's a beachfront horseback riding place about half an hour away from here...  
  
Ganondorf: Beachfront horseback riding? Impa, if you want to ride a horse in the sand, you can ask me anytime and I'll take you riding in the Haunted Wasteland.  
  
Impa: But where's the ocean? The romance?   
  
Ganondorf: Ohh... OK.   
  
Impa: YAY! And also, there's an amusement park not far from here. Tonight they're having a special fireworks display. Why don't we go?  
  
Ganondorf: Yeah, all right.   
  
Impa: Oh Ganny-Poo! It's so nice how you're willing to do things for me!  
  
Ganondorf: Yeah, yeah. Come on, let's go get the camel. Oh yeah, and remember, we need to think about what we want as a prize from the Karaoke Contest.  
  
Impa: Hmmm... We can stop by the gift shop before we check out tomorrow.   
  
Ganondorf: All right, let's go!  
  
Narrator: To make a long story short, Ganondorf and Impa rode the camel to the Maui Beachfront Horse Rentals to rent a pair of horses so they could go riding.   
  
Horse Keeper 1: There we are, Sugar...   
  
Horse Keeper 2: Ah, that's a good boy, Patches...  
  
(Ganondorf and Impa ride up on the camel)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Since Zel has returned from vacation. She will be taking over yet again and completing the fic!  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Horse Keeper 1:Sir that will be 20 rupees per rider.  
  
Gannondorf: (shells out 40 rupees)  
  
(Horse Keeper 2 saddles horses.)  
  
Horse Keeper 1: (pockets the 2 red rupees) Thank you sir, please enjoy your ride over the grounds.  
  
Gannondorf: We will!   
  
(Gannondorf helps Impa on the horse then gets on and they ride off.)  
  
Little Later ~  
  
Gannondorf: Wanna hear a dirty joke?  
  
Impa: All right…WAAAAAAAAAAA! (slips off horse and into mud)  
  
Gannondorf: Hey! That's my joke!  
  
Impa: (stands up, wipes up mud) Very funny… (gets back on horse)  
  
Gannondorf: (is laughing his a$$ off)  
  
~ Little more while later  
  
Impa: Oh Ganny-poo look! An amusement park! Oh I haven't been to one of those in years!  
  
Gannondorf: Let's get in touch with our inner children! (ties the horses' ropes to a pole that magically appeared there)  
  
(Gannondorf takes Impa's hand and they go to an amusement park!)  
  
Impa: Oh wow! (chugs down soda pop and eats cotton candy) I feel like a kid again!  
  
Ride Operator Dude: 5 tickets to ride the THE-SCARIEST-FREAKIEST-MAKE-YOU-PEE-IN-YOUR-PANTS-MOST-FRIGHTENING-3-SECONDS-OF-YOUR-LIFE-ROLLERCOSTER!  
  
Gannondorf: Ooo! I want to go on that!  
  
Ride Operator Dude: Please remember to keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times and buckle the safety restrains tightly and remember! If you fall out we're not responsible! Please enjoy the next most SCARIEST-FREAKIEST-MAKE-YOU-PEE-IN-YOUR-PANTS-MOST-FRIGHTENING-3-SECONDS-OF-YOUR-LIFE-moment of your day.  
  
(Ride Operator Dude pulls the lever and the ride starts. The ride starts off nice and slow.)  
  
Gannondorf: This isn't so bad…AHHHHHH! WAAAAAAAAA! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  
  
(The ride veers and jolts. It takes hard turns and goes down steep tracks. Then takes a steady upward climb higher and higher and higher…then pauses at the very top.)  
  
Gannondorf: Hey! I can see my fortress from here! And the hotel! And there's Impa! She's looks like an ant! HIYA IMPY-WUVVY! LOOK AT ME! I'M UP SO-WAAAAAAAAAA! AHHHHHHH! HOLY CRAP! HOOOOOO! WOOOOOOO! OH GODDESSES I'M GONNA HURL!!! WAAAAAAAAA! AHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Ride Operator Dude: The rider's over, mister, you can get off now.  
  
Gannondorf: (gets off the ride; turns greener than usual)  
  
Impa: (runs up with a bit of cotton candy on her face) Ganny-poo! How was the ride?  
  
Gannondorf: (vomits)  
  
Impa: Oh dear…  
  
(Impa ushers Gannondorf to the little boys' room to get cleaned up.)  
  
~~~ About a half-hour later (give or take)  
  
(Impa and Gannondorf are sitting at a table on the boardwalk having milkshakes.)  
  
Impa: Oh Ganny-poo! Isn't that a breathtaking sunset?  
  
Gannondorf: (silence except for the sound of the bubbles he's blowing with his straw)  
  
Impa: Oh Gannondorf! I just a wonderful idea! Why don't we watch the fireworks from the Ferris wheel! It would be the perfect way to end our honeymoon!  
  
Gannondorf: Anything for you, cupcake!  
  
Impa: Ganny-poo, don't call me cupcake, it's bad for my image…  
  
Gannondorf: All right, I'll just call you Impy-Wuvvy from now on.  
  
Impa: Perfect. Shall we go my beloved King of Evil?  
  
Gannondorf: Of course, my darling shadow sage!  
  
(Impa takes Gannondorf's arm and they stroll off towards the Ferris wheel.)  
  
Ride Operator Dude: (runs over from the roller coaster to the Ferris wheel) Two (pant) tickets per (pant) rider…  
  
Gannondorf: Here you are! (gets out four tickets)  
  
Ride Operator Dude: Please keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times! And if you fall out, don't sue! (pulls lever and starts up ride.)  
  
Gannondorf: Here, my good man! (throws down a yellow rupee) to watch the fireworks from up here.  
  
Ride Operator Dude: Certain-OOF!   
  
(The guy is knocked unconscious but falling yellow rupee.)  
  
Gannondorf: Oops…  
  
Impa: Ah…this is so romantic…(looks over at cityscape)  
  
(The fireworks begin.)  
  
Gannondorf: OH! AH! PRETTY!  
  
Impa: (sigh) (looks down) O_O  
  
Gannondorf: Impy-Wuvvy? What's wrong?  
  
Impa: Um…I'M AFRIAD OF HEIGHTS!!!!! (starts to panic)  
  
Gannondorf: Don't worry, lovey! We're now THAT far from the ground!  
  
Impa: (sobbing) No! You don't understand! I'm going to die! I'm going to fall and die! I'm going to fall victim to certain and impending DEATH! (panics and rocks the ride.)  
  
Gannondorf: WHOA! IMPA! CALM DOWN!  
  
Impa: I WANT OFF! I WANT OFF! I WANT OOOOFFFFFFFFFFFF! (rocks ride and the thingy tips backwards.)  
  
Gannondorf: AHHHHH! IMPA! I'LL SAVE YOU!  
  
Impa: AHHHHHHHHHHH! I'M FALLING!  
  
Audience who has gathered at the bottom of the Ferris Wheel: GASP!  
  
Gannondorf: IMPY-WUVVY! (Triforce symbols lights up)  
  
Special Effects Guy: POOF!  
  
(Gannondorf transforms into GANON! And catches Impa, saving her from certain and impending doom.)  
  
AWHGATBOTFW: WHEW!  
  
Audience member #1: AHHHHHHHH!  
  
Audience member #2: What?  
  
Audience member #1: IT'S A MONSTER! HE'S TAKEN THAT POOR WOMAN HOSTAGE!  
  
Audience member #3: HE'LL DESTORY THE CITY!  
  
Audience member #4: IT IS GANON! WE MUST DIE NOW!  
  
Random Japanese Person: THIS IS WHY I MOVED AWAY FROM TOKYO!  
  
Audience member #2: LET US THROW OUR BANANAS AT HIM! THAT WILL MAKE HIM GO AWAY!  
  
(Audience members pelt GANON with bananas.)  
  
GANON: (hisses and growls, claws at bananas)  
  
Impa: STOP! THAT'S MY HUSBAND!  
  
Audience member #1: YOU MARRIED A DINOSAUR/GOAT/PIG THINGY!  
  
Impa: YES! BUT HE'S REALLY A SWEET MAN! AND I LOVE HIM!  
  
Audience #2: SO! IT ISN'T EVERYDAY WE GET TO PELT A DINOSAUR/PIG/GOAT THINGY WITH BANANAS!  
  
Impa: OH GANNY-POO! YOU SAVED ME! (ignores flying bananas) I LOVE YOU! (kisses GANON's scaly cheek)  
  
Special Effects Guy: POOF!  
  
Audience member #1: Uh-oh.  
  
Audience member #2: That ain't good!  
  
GANON: IMPY-WUVVY!   
  
(Impa suddenly transforms into a female version of GANON!)  
  
Impa: AHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Audience member #3: Oh dear…  
  
Impa: (starts sobbing uncontrollably.)  
  
Gannondorf: Oh Impy-Wuvvy! It's all right! (pats her back)  
  
Impa: (raises fist)  
  
Gannondorf: Uh-oh! (backs away)  
  
Impa: STUPID THING! (smashes the Ferris wheel with her gigantic fist) If I hadn't gone on that thing this wouldn't have happened! (sobs some more)  
  
(Audience members look at each other then at Gannondorf and Impa.)  
  
Audience member #1: We need help.  
  
Audience member #2: LOTS!  
  
All Audience members: GALAXY GIRL! SAILOR ZEL!   
  
Meanwhile ~  
  
(GG and Zel are taking a break at a coffee shop and having Italian sodas! (The good kind!))  
  
News Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring you a special news bulletin.  
  
Zel: Oh dang it!  
  
GG: We're missing the Price is Right!  
  
News Announcer: Two large monsters have been sighted at the Maui Pier Amusement Park. As of now no one has been reported injured except for the beloved Ferris Wheel Winnie…  
  
GG: They named the Ferris wheel?   
  
News Announcer: And now some live footage from Cameramen Harry and Bill  
  
Zel: GG! Isn't that GANON!?  
  
GG: Hey it is! Who's the other one?  
  
Zel: Oh-no…  
  
GG: (groans) we leave them alone for 15 minutes and something like this happens…  
  
Zel: I pray they don't have a second honeymoon…  
  
GG: Come on…let's get to the pier…  
  
Zel: I just remembered we're miles from the pier…  
  
(Both authors step outside of the coffee shop. People are running around panicking.)  
  
Random Panicking Woman: SOMEBODY SAVE US!  
  
Random Panicking Guy: THE END! THE END IS NEAR!  
  
Zel: Sir! Can we borrow your car?  
  
Random driver: Sure! The world's gonna end anyway (tosses them the keys and runs away, screaming)  
  
Zel: I just remembered something…  
  
GG: What?  
  
Zel: Neither one of us is 16  
  
GG: Um…well…14 and 14 are a lot more then 16 so we're fine! (starts up engine)   
  
Zel: Um…you do have some clue how to drive right?  
  
GG: uh…  
  
Zel: Uh-oh…  
  
~ Meanwhile  
  
(Impa is still crying and Gannondorf is still trying to comfort her.)  
  
Gannondorf: There, there Impy-Wuvvy.   
  
(Gannondorf pulls up a tent and the people hiding under it scatter. He hands it to Impa like a hankie.)  
  
Impa: (takes hankie and blows her nose…and it sounds like a foghorn.)  
  
(Faint roaring in background.)  
  
(Roaring gets LOUDER!)  
  
(LOUDER!)  
  
(LOUDER!)  
  
RRROOOAAAARRRR!  
  
Voices that sound a lot like GG and Zel: AHHHHHHHH! ABANDON SHIP! ER-CAR!  
  
(A car rips through the park and the two authors narrowly escape certain and impending DEATH! The car drives off the boardwalk and into the ocean.)  
  
GG: That'd the last time I ever do that…  
  
Zel: Owie…  
  
Audience (yes, they're still here.): GALAXY GIRL! SAILOR ZEL! WE'RE SAVED! YIPPEE!  
  
GG: WHAT THE-?!? WHAT HAPPENED?!?!  
  
Zel: Ditto…  
  
Audience: GALAXY GIRL! SAILOR ZEL! YOU MUST SAVE US!  
  
GG: ……  
  
Zel: ……  
  
GG: …author huddle!  
  
GG & Zel: (whispering)  
  
Audience member #1: What are they saying?  
  
Audience member #2: I dunno…MOM! Lend us your hearing aid!  
  
(Audience member #2's mom hands Audience member #2 her hearing aid.)  
  
Audience member #1: Any better?  
  
Audience member #2: No…Hey! Wait! I hear something! They're saying…(listens carefully) Audience…member…#2…is…a…butthead! That's it!  
  
Audience member #1: (snickers)  
  
Audience member #2: HEY!  
  
Zel: I GOT IT!  
  
Audience member #2: (drops his mom's hearing aid and accidentally steps on it.)  
  
GG: What?  
  
Zel: THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO!  
  
GG: And that is?  
  
Zel: (puts out a tape player, flips the switch in "on" position.)  
  
Tape Player: Baaaayby mine, don't you   
cry...  
  
GG: NOOOOOO! (bursts into tears along with Impa.)  
  
Zel: Huh? (pulls out tape) Oops! How'd that get in there?  
  
GG: WAAAHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Zel: uh-oh…  
  
GG: OH JEEZ! (sobs) HIS POOR MOM!  
  
Zel: How did that tape get in there?! Oh yeah, my 4-year-old cousin borrowed my tape player…  
  
GANON: (sobs & sniffles)  
  
Zel: Oh no…you too?!?!  
  
GANON: (breaks into tears along with Impa and GG.)  
  
Audience: (weeps and dabs at eyes with hankies)  
  
Zel: I guess I'm the only one here who has never saw that part of Dumbo…oh well…  
  
GG: I NEED THE BEATLES, AND QUICK!  
  
Zel: AHA! (pulls out a Beatles 1 CD and pops it in the loud speakers.)  
  
CD: PAAAAPERBACK WRITER!  
  
GG: YIPPEEE!  
  
Zel: OK! Now what?  
  
GG: Uh...Let's um, try and turn them back to normal. Especially Impa. She isn't supposed to be able to do that.  
  
Zel: Hmm…drastic times can for drastic measures…(takes out a pen and paper and does unthinkable.)  
  
GG: Oh-no! What are you-  
  
Zel: (writes something down while mumbling)  
  
GG: Zel, what-OH NO! NO! NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THAT!  
  
Zel: (writes down a sickeningly sweet, mushy, fluffy, love poem)  
  
GG: GAAAH! Zel, NOOO!  
  
Zel: (keeps the rating G)  
  
GG: GG: Um, better, but still! Do you know what they do when they get...  
  
Zel: Like I said, "drastic times, call for drastic measures...  
  
Zel: If I die…what am I saying?! It ain't that bad! (starts reading her poem aloud.)  
  
GG: Um…due to the fact Zel is anti-fluff to spare her the embarrassment the next lines will be blocked out.  
  
Zel: (______________________ ,goes on for a few more minutes _________________.) All done!  
  
Special Effects Guy: POOF!  
  
(Impa suddenly changes back into Normal Impa.)  
  
Narrator: There is a long, awkward pause…  
  
Audience member #3: He's stating the obvious again…  
  
Audience member #2: Oy…  
  
Impa: That poem…just…  
  
GANON: Lights that flame of desire!  
  
GG: Oh-no…  
  
Zel: I think our plan just backfired on us…  
  
(Impa starts making out with Ganon, who is still GANON.)  
  
(Suddenly the ground starts to quake and lightening strikes and people fall over and buildings threaten to collapse.)  
  
Zel: What was that?  
  
GG: It was…  
  
Zel: Not good?  
  
GG: Yeah…  
  
Zel: What was it?  
  
GG: That was the sound of the rating going from a PG-13 to an R!  
  
Zel: Oh god no!  
  
GG: This is bad!  
  
Zel: At least we manage to accomplish one thing…  
  
GG: Impa's normal…  
  
Zel: And only God knows how that happened…  
  
Zel: An R! Oh god, an R-rating!  
  
GG: AHHH! THE GOAL WAS TO AVOID   
THAT!  
  
Zel: Um…uh…um…GG!  
  
GG: Aw man, we ALMOST made it through the whole two chaps without an R rating.  
  
Zel: Wait! It's not an R-rating yet! We have still have time to fix this!  
  
GG: What to do? What to do? Man, it's getting hot in here!  
  
Zel: AHHHHHH! More signs of the rating rising!  
  
GG: I got it!  
  
Zel: Yes?  
  
GG: We're both super heroines! We'll use our powers to "cool" them down!  
  
Zel: Good idea!  
  
(Zel and GG position themselves on the roof of a nearby building.)  
  
GG: Ok…1…  
  
Zel: 2…what if we screw up Maui's climate?  
  
GG: We can fix it later! And 3!  
  
(Both authors release an icy wave of energy from their wands directly at Ganon and Impa.)  
  
Audience member #1: They put those two "under ice"!  
  
Audience member #2: They're going to need a lot of "cold" medicine.  
  
GG: Ok…shut up you two.  
  
Audience members #1 & 2: We'll shut up…  
  
(Suddenly the ice starts to melt as GANON breathes fire from inside the ice.)  
  
GANON: COLD! COLD! COLD! VERY COLD!  
  
Impa: Whoa…that felt like one of those breath mint commercials.  
  
(Suddenly all clouds go away and the night sky is clear!)  
  
Zel: Hey! The rating's back to normal!  
  
Impa: Ganny-poo…why don't we go back to the hotel and…  
  
GG: Ahem…  
  
Zel: Don't push your luck…  
  
Impa: Go to sleep…come along, Ganny-poo.  
  
The next morning ~  
  
(Outside the hotel, Gannondorf and Impa are preparing to leave.)  
  
Old Guy from Karaoke Contest: WAIT! YOU NEVER PICKED YOUR PRIZE!  
  
Gannondorf: Oh! Our prize! I totally forgot…  
  
Old Guy from Karaoke Contest: You only have two choices…this jar of pickled eggs or…this brand new yellow Beatle!  
  
Gannondorf: Pickled eggs or Yellow Beatle…tough choice…  
  
Impa: We'll take the car!  
  
Gannondorf: But Impa?  
  
Impa: (takes the keys.)  
  
(Suddenly a group of the hotel staff comes up with Gannondorf and Impa's honeymoon camel.)  
  
Hotel Staff member #1: Good bye, boy.  
  
Hotel Staff member #2: We'll miss you, Barney.  
  
Hotel Staff member #1: For the last time, his name isn't Barney! It's Benny!  
  
Hotel Staff member #2: Barney!  
  
Hotel Staff member #1: Benny!  
  
(Gannondorf and Impa watch.)  
  
Gannondorf: Hey! You kids can keep Benny-  
  
Hotel Staff member #2: BARNEY!  
  
Gannondorf: Whoever! It you want.  
  
Hotel Staff member #1: Gee! Thanks mister!  
  
Hotel staff member #2: Oh I can't wait! I'll sing with it, dance with it, play with it, and sleep with it!  
  
Hotel staff member #1: No! I will!  
  
Hotel Staff member #2: ME!  
  
Hotel Staff member #1: MEEEEE!  
  
Gannondorf: Ok…um…Impy-Wuvvy, let's go home to Hyrule!  
  
Impa: It will be so nice to be home at the fortress again!  
  
Gannondorf: Um…you only spent a night at the fortress…  
  
Impa: So? It's our home now! And we'll raise a family there!  
  
Gannondorf: Of course we'll wait, right?  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
End of ch. 4  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Galaxy Girl and Sailor Zel are signing off! R&R!  
  
  
  
  



End file.
